I stumbled upon an interesting concept in a book recently. Social psychologist Roy Baumeister studies “anticipated aloneness” and the effects that envisioning being alone in the future has on people. Just imagining future rejection and loneliness actually knocks people’s IQ down a few points and makes it harder for them to engage in rational thought about anything.
The problem with predicting our own loneliness is that it has no basis in reality. Everyone who is married now was once single. Jennifer Taitz, the author of the book (and someone who had her own dating struggles) writes, “At times when we feel intensely, we may find ourselves captured by pseudo-logical thinking known as emotional reasoning…[i.e. “If I’ve been single for 12 years that means I’ll be alone forever,” but] there is no realistic predicting when it comes to finding a partner or how you will feel in the future. Many people in good, stable relationships talk about how they once thought that they would never meet anyone and experienced unnecessary hurt as a result.”
Repeated bad dates, difficult parshas, rejection out of hand, recycled name-dropping and so on can make it difficult to resist falling into a cycle of emotional reasoning, but still, still we have no way of predicting what tomorrow will bring. That’s why one of the most useful skills to cultivate during this period is mindfulness.
I once heard a short excerpt from a shiur by Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman. I don’t know the context or the source, but I often remember what he said. Parshas Kedoshim (19:31) says, “Al tifnu el ha’ovos v’el hayidonim,” Do not turn to those who commune with the dead or to fortunetellers. Why not? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to plan for the future? We’d make better choices. And to learn more about the past? We’d have greater wisdom.
Nevertheless, Hashem doesn’t want us to be busy with the past or the future. He wants us to live in the present and to maximize the present. That’s where we work on our emunah, our faith and trust. There is a future, and Hashem knows it and is happy with it. But we don’t know it and we shouldn’t try to convince ourselves that we do.
Wow. Just what I needed to hear
I’m honored <3
So true! I am a huge fan of your blog from almost the beginning (came here from inshidduchim.com). I think you are a really talented writer and inspiring person. It was so awesome to read relate-able yet uplifting posts from you while struggling myself in ‘the parsha’. I can attest that after a while I really could not imagine myself getting married at all…it just seemed so impossible (after all this time…all this heartache…) but-Baruch Hashem-the miracle finally happened for me! It was so hard for me to believe it, that on the day of the wedding I was so calm and relaxed -not because I had so much Emunah, or because everything was perfect (it wasn’t)…but mainly because I just felt like I was in someone else’s happy ending-it couldn’t be my own. So definitely just because I couldn’t see my future (or it looked bleak) doesn’t mean there isn’t a happy ending/beginning waiting for me right around the corner. I actually commented on your sukkos post once that I was so frustrated and fed up with living at home that I was ‘definitely going to my in laws for sukkos next year’ wink wink….which B”H came true! SO while we can’t know the future, we should be careful with what we say…..it might create one!
Anyway tons of Bracha and Hatzlacha to you, (and to everyone else) in all of your endeavors! I really love reading your posts and wasn’t sure if I should say that I got married because I used to hate when people posted engagement news on inshidduchim.com (like, we are here to get away from regular life where we hear about engagements all the time, please spare us, thanks) BUT just thought it might serve as inspiration because I could not believe it myself..yet here I am, on the ‘other side’…
SO anyway thanks for an awesome blog!!!!!
S.
p.s. in reference to your post ‘The Number Games’ (another great one!)
he’s not from Australia, but another country i’d never been to before…
His family situation is not one I would have considered when I first started dating…
He definitely does not wear what I would have ideally wanted him to wear..
He is ‘gasp’ a bit younger than me (not by a lot, but still strange to some of his family)
We had to wait for his 21 yr old sister and his 19 year old sister to each get married before us…
yet I really feel like he is the perfect one for me. you’re right- all the ‘math’ that people talk about just doesn’t add up when you’re talking about soul mates.
Wow! Mazel tov to you! I’m so happy to hear about your marriage – I wonder sometimes where people who have commented or emailed are holding now.
Thank you for your kind words. It’s so nice to hear from you!