Yes and No

Public service announcement: Your “yes” only means something if you have the choice to say “no.”

 

I read an article a few weeks ago in which the author seemed to misunderstand the term “people-pleasing.” She gave the impression that a people-pleaser is someone who is unusually kind and selfless. Now, they may be that, too. But actually, a people-pleaser is someone who believes that it’s their responsibility to keep everyone around them happy and prevent them from having to feel discomfort/disappointment/etc… or else something bad will happen and it will be all their fault. (Sound like anyone you know, such as yourself?)

 

Here’s the thing. People are allowed to be disappointed and uncomfortable as a result of their own actions, outlooks, or demands. That’s part of how we all learn and grow throughout life, through facing adversity and integrating new information about what is and isn’t working. It’s not your job or anyone’s to shield other people from the normal vicissitudes of life.

 

Illustrative story: My coworker’s brother was making a simcha in E”Y. This coworker, who works many hours a week and is by no means wealthy, also has a number of young children. She and her husband bought tickets to E”Y for the simcha. Her brother informed her that he was hurt that she wasn’t bringing her children as well and if she really cared about the simcha, she would figure out how to make it work. And she felt terribly guilty for upsetting him. That’s people-pleasing.

 

Now to apply this to shidduchim.

 

• I don’t care how old you are or how many people you have or haven’t dated, if you don’t think someone is right for you and you don’t have the juice to “just give it a try,” you’re allowed to say no. There is a G-d. If you were woefully misinformed or made a too-flippant decision, the shidduch will come back around. And yes, you’ll be disappointing the would-be shadchan or giving your sister’s mother-in-law a reason to question how badly you want to get married. People are going to do what they do. In my experience, I never once benefited from “just saying yes” when my instincts were telling me to say no. No, I wasn’t thrilled to go out with everyone I ever dated, including the guys who turned out to be the best fit for me. But when I really, really did not think someone would be right for me, turns out I was right.

 

• Don’t continue dating someone to avoid hurting them. Or to avoid a confrontation with the shadchan, for that matter (or with your parents). As I just saw on Pinterest, well of wisdom, “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” Tell the shachan to wish the other party well on your behalf (or do it yourself if that’s where you’re holding) and everyone gets to move onto bigger and better things.

 

• Don’t indulge people in discussion of your shidduchim when it’s a bad time or place for you. And don’t answer intrusive questions that don’t seem to have an obvious purpose. My personal favorite (after a fashion) is, “Are you busy?” As far as I can see, the only appropriate answer to that is, “Why do you ask?” This questioner probably wanted to know if they should bother working on a shidduch idea for you, and they can come out and ask you (“Hi, Adina, I was thinking of a guy for you, do you have a few minutes to discuss?”) at which time you can let them know your relationship status of your own volition, without their questions.

 

This stuff probably seems obvious when you read it but it can be pretty hard to apply in real life, especially when the culture right now is that single women should bend over backwards to please everyone involved in this process (I need an answer by tonight! Send a picture! No, send a better picture! How could you say no without even a coffee date??). You and I and the rest of us need to reclaim our autonomy and establish firm boundaries that allow us to navigate this process in a healthy way.

 

Any thoughts?