It can be so hard when someone close to you starts dating someone seriously, and then suddenly there she is, putting a ring on it. In the midst of everyone’s excitement, you’re left feeling lonely and unsure of how to navigate your relationship. A change in dynamics can trigger a waterfall of emotions. You might be feeling insecure and anxious about a future without this friend who was a constant presence. You might be feeling sad, betrayed, or guilty for not feeling happier. Often we try to do our best to be there for our friends in their time of joy, while neglecting our own needs. Here are some insights I culled from personal experience.
- Be open to a wide range of feelings. I think it’s important to know that there is no such thing as a wrong feeling. Feelings just are. They come, and our best course of action is to do nothing at all, to let them run their course without interfering or trying to force them away because of guilt. Feelings like sadness or fear are uncomfortable (to say the least), but they need the time and space to be felt and processed. It’s okay for feelings to change and shift and come in waves. It’s also possible to feel more than one thing at a time: you can be both excited and lonely, both happy and jealous. Your only job is to choose how to act.
- Know that everyone responds to life differently. You are a unique combination of inborn nature, present circumstances, and past experiences. Don’t judge your response to a life change against how friends or family members respond or expect others to respond to the same thing. You’re you.
- Remember that no one has the right to tell you how to feel. Family and friends mean well and don’t want to see you grappling with pain, but it’s important for you to allow yourself to process feelings at their own pace. Comments like “be happy for your friend,” “what’s meant for one is not meant for another,” “your turn will come,” etc. almost always stem from a desire to be helpful to you. Feel free to listen politely and move on.
- Seek support. Reach out to a relative or friend who will validate and support you as you need, with a nonjudgmental listening ear. (If you feel that the experience you’re going through is overwhelmingly difficult for you, you might want to work with a therapist who can help you process and understand the difficult feelings. You’ll be supported through this experience and develop strategies to help you cope in the future.)
- Make sure your needs are being met. You’re at your best when you’re getting adequate sleep, nutrition, hydration, and exercise. Now is a good time to see where you can make small improvements in order to navigate from a place of strength. It also feels great to nurture yourself. Speaking of which…
- Treat yourself. Take time out to decompress throughout the weeks leading up to the big day. Enjoy a massage, pedicure, or facial. Book professional hair and makeup appointments for the wedding day itself, if that interests you (I know that was really helpful to me; it’s so nice to be pampered). Buy some delicious take-out food the night before the wedding, and remind yourself that whatever you feel is okay.
- And always, remember that no matter what, you are loved by Hashem, Who knows you and your story better than anyone else. He is with you every step of the way. You can do this!
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. These are my suggestions as a friend.
What are your thoughts? I’d love to know.
