In the early days of shidduchim, when friends and classmates got married, it felt awkward and made me feel insecure to see where they were at. The chasm between single me and married them seemed ridiculously vast, and only widened further with the arrival of their first baby or two, often in short order. I felt anxious to catch up and worried that it might not happen fast enough for the gap to close seamlessly. After all, how hopelessly behind would I feel if my friends already had preschoolers by the time I had a newborn?
Well — over Pesach, a classmate stopped by with her children and I had a lovely chat with her nine-year-old daughter about her class’s Birchos Yaakov contest (even impressing her by remember the tune for “Reeee-UVEN bechori atah…”).
The catch-up train has left the station, and I am not on it.
I believe that be”H I will get married and have a beautiful family. But I will be a first-time mother be”H in my thirties, which is very different from the narrative of “normal” that I expected to follow. That can feel blood-freezingly unfair, but it can also feel liberating. I’m not anxious about catching up anymore. I’m not attached to a narrative or an outcome. I want a husband and children (so deeply), and I also want a happy, full, fulfilling life now and in the future. I don’t know about the chronology of events; I will have to wait and see as it unfolds.
Now I can ride my own train, and enjoy my own view. Now I can let go.
