I wrote the following on recognizing signs of emotional abuse in the workplace. This is my advice from one friend to another based on personal experience, but if any of this rings familiar, please talk to someone who is qualified to guide you in navigating your way out.
First and foremost, always make sure you have a rav you can comfortably ask about interpersonal matters.
In a healthy work relationship, you will:
- know that you can leave a job that is not working for you
- be able to request reasonable accommodations for personal circumstances
- be able to tell your employer that you are not comfortable performing a specific task
- discuss your responsibilities and any changes that have to be made
- not dread communicating with your employer
In a healthy work relationship, your employer will understand that:
- you are not always available and will require time off within reason
- if emergencies come up that require you to put in extra work after hours you will be properly compensated and appropriately recognized
- you need to have advance notification and be involved in decision-making before your job description changes
- you are to be spoken to with respect due another human being
- you are entitled to your privacy
Before taking any job, ask to speak to the person who had the job before you and/or to others currently in the employ of the hiring individual. If you are not provided with contact information of other employees after requesting it, do not take the job.
Relationships involving manipulation and control often have an insidious onset, with no specific incident alarming enough to put you on your guard. This type of relationship can unfortunately develop with a frum person, male or female, even one who is respected and admired by others. People who are gentle, kind, and don’t like to rock the boat are prime targets for manipulation and control.
As a rule of thumb, a relationship that causes you to feel constant unease, anxiety, fear, resentment, and above all, helplessness, is very likely abusive.
The following behaviors should not be tolerated, barring very occasional, real emergencies. If they are taking place and you feel helpless about speaking up, you should leave your job as soon as you possibly can. Don’t worry about losing a recommendation because such an individual wouldn’t have given you one in any case.
- expecting you to be available at their will in the early morning and late evening hours
- attempting to reach you repeatedly or at multiple phone numbers after hours
- expecting or requiring you to make changes to your schedule without your prior agreement and compensation
- expecting you to be available at their will over your vacation
- interrogating you or compelling you to share personal information, however minor
- speaking to you in a belittling, patronizing, or menacing manner
The abusive individual will act in many small ways to erode your sense of power to assert yourself. His or her actions will seem small enough to make you feel that speaking up isn’t worth a confrontation, but significant enough for the abuser to feel that he or she has control over you. You will very likely have difficulty explaining to yourself and others what it is about your job that makes you unhappy or uneasy. Exchanges between you and your employer may catch you off guard and take a few hours to process, leaving you thinking, “How did I agree to that? Why did I share that? Did I really hear right?” You will feel confused, because after an unpleasant interaction, the abuser will become friendly and cheerful again. He or she will be in total denial of having wronged you and will give no indication of remorse, leaving you no logical opening to confront them about their treatment of you. Please tell someone if you ever feel this way in any relationship. A relationship should not be confusing, the vast majority of the time.
Why would anyone stay in such a relationship? Because it seems easier to stay than to try and extricate yourself. You may have been guilt-tripped into committing (“I invested so much in you and I expect you to make it worth my while”). You may be afraid of consequences for you or for the people you’ll leave behind. You may want to try and give them another chance. You’ll feel it’s not worth making someone your enemy, and then you’ll wonder how your relationship could have reached a point where you are thinking in those terms.
It’s not your job to give an abuser a second chance. Your job is to protect yourself and let second chances take care of themselves.
Just to end off on a positive note…most of us are very good people who would never want to hurt anyone. And with the right awareness, those are the only people you’ll be hanging out with.
Please share with anyone who could use this information.
