What We Talk About When We Talk About “Older Singles”

When we (as a community) talk about “older singles,” we talk about statistics and we talk about self-sabotage. And that is all we talk about.

 

Whether there is any constructive purpose to these conversations is up for discussion. I’m not weighing in now, but I am saying that, at minimum, I don’t think this is all that the conversation should be about.

 

I think we should talk about community, connection, and belonging.

I think we should talk about the mental health needs of people facing loneliness, uncertainty, anxiety, heartbreak, disappointment, rejection, burnout, marginalization, and alienation.

I think we should talk about these things with empathy, compassion, and respect.

I think we should move away from fix-it and make-it-go-away mode towards acceptance and holding-space mode.

 

Thinking about this I recall what I learned from Circle, Arrow, Spiral by Miriam Kosman. The male energy is characterized by conquest, achievement, being first and best. The female energy is characterized by presence, wholeness, harmony. (There are men and women with any combination of these energies. These are the archetypes).

 

I think the way our community handles conversations about shidduchim is dominated by the male perspective. Competition, comparison, time limits, age graphs, these are constructs coming from a male orientation. Even the phrase “older singles,” by its inclusion of a comparative form, is in the male voice. And I think moving away from that voice towards a stance of acceptance, being, healing, nurture, and compassion, for one another and ourselves, will bring a very much needed female energy back into how we approach shidduchim and how we speak of ourselves as single people.