Last night I searched for something in Whatsapp and went down a rabbit hole rereading past conversations, as one does. Since most of my lengthier text-based conversations are punctuated by voicenotes, I started listening to those, too. Hearing voicenotes from the past year or two was like listening to an auditory montage of my emotional experience. I heard my voice breaking, I heard tears, bursts of laughter, giddiness, conspiratorial whispering, warmth, uncertainty, confidence. I heard myself choosing words carefully, trying to be both honest and sensitive, trying to express my genuine truth directly.
In school, learning about “ozen shoma’as,” with the analogy of a tape recorder storing everything we’ve ever said, felt kind of horrifying. Hashem plays a recording of everything we’ve said? How embarrassing. But now I feel differently. I imagine that Hashem listens with compassion to us at both our lowest moments and at our proudest. The moments when we say things we are not proud of are usually the moments when we feel our most intense pain. The moments when we are at our best, we are such a joy to replay.
I’m always a bit amazed at how much tenderness I can now feel towards my younger selves. Hearing my own voice played back to me is a good reminder to practice that compassion in the moment as well, and remind myself that in a moment of suffering I can’t see a way forward but if I hold on, sooner than later I will look back/replay the moment as a stronger, more confident version of myself.
P.S. I hope I’m not the only one who loves hearing my voice played back lol. Though I have been told that I have a pleasant speaking voice and I should have a podcast or narrate audiobooks. Annnnnyway… 🙂
