I’ve been thinking over something that came up a couple of times at my sister’s vort/wedding. Some well-meaning people who also had married younger siblings wished me a “welcome to the club.” But…I didn’t want to be part of anyone’s club. I wanted to be free to have my own process, and to get to a place where I was really okay, without feeling that I was betraying anyone else.
I think the same when people share depressing (to me) jokes (“gallows humor”) or cynical comments about being single. I’m often unsure of how to respond. I’m a terrible pretender, so replying with a “Cute” or the laughing emoji to an alleged joke seems so transparent, and dishonest besides. And the same dilemma arises when people place blame on other parties — shadchanim, “the system,” specific yeshivos and their policies, boys [ed. – for lack of a better word], mothers of boys, seminaries [ed. – I’ll never understand that one], mothers of 19-year-old girls, and any others that escape me. I’m not a victim and I don’t want to feel like one.
Many people struggle with retaining a sense of agency over their own lives. When that happens, they give up their power to forces outside of themselves. This is where gloom, doom, panic, and cynicism set in (and we see this a lot in the frum media with regard to shidduchim). On the other hand, maintaining an internal locus of control means believing that you have the ability to effect change and influence the direction of your life, by choosing to pursue your dreams and create a meaningful and satisfying existence, whether or not circumstances go your way. It’s the confidence that your happiness is not at the mercy of circumstance and certainly not of other people’s whims or expectations.
Can we all commit to being victors, not victims? Even when it flies in the face of convention?
