Last week I had a conversation with a friend that I’ve had many times before, about my existential crisis: “I feel unsatisfied and that I need to be doing more…What is my purpose?” She pointed out that we’ve had this conversation on a recurrent basis every few months for about ten years and the solutions I turn to (more work, more training) don’t seem to be working.
I said, “But what could the answer be?”
She suggested that I think about working less and finding another meaningful pursuit outside of work, like a hobby (I scoffed at this) (and shouldn’t have because she’s on to something).
I wrote in my journal, “What do I really want?” And then I wrote the answer: “I want to give someone the world.”
By that I mean, I want a child.
And work is not going to fill that. A hobby won’t either (however, a hobby will have the advantage of not draining me/stressing me out).
Of course, on some level it’s obvious that that is what I really want. But I think the revelation for me is that nothing will substitute for that even in the short term.
And therefore I can stop trying to stop up the hole.
Thank you for sharing! In my own way, I relate to a lot of what you wrote here. I find that my single friends and I almost feel like we have to justify our existence. “I may be single, but at least I (earn six figures, have a doctorate, do a lot of chesed, etc.)”…
I agree with your friend AND with you. Projects and hobbies don’t help long-term, because they are a poor substitute for what we really want. However, I’m learning not to discard the hours, weeks, or months spent working towards a goal, developing a new skill, or just having fun doing something I always wanted to do. Just because I may feel empty at the end doesn’t mean it didn’t fill my time and fulfill me (somewhat) while I was busy. Does that make sense?
Oh, I heartily agree that projects and hobbies are important! (I tend to “projectify” my life quite a bit, as it happens). I think my takeaway from the conversation and journaling after was that to some extent I’ve been trying to cure this empty feeling and been frustrated that I couldn’t, and now I recognize that I’m not going to be able to. I actually had a follow-up conversation about this with my therapist and she suggested volunteering (like in a way that really speaks to me and helps me live out my values as opposed to a more generic type of chesed I used to do when I was younger – not to dump on doing chesed at all! (that sounded bad) – but to be more intentional for myself about what I want to do and finding ways to do it – now I’m hoping I make sense!)
Agreed! (I guess the realization on my end was that just because it’s cyclical and I end up feeling empty and back to square one “after” doesn’t mean that the “during” didn’t play a role. Even though I agree with you completely that it’s like trying to cure something that can’t be cured.) Good for you with the volunteering idea! Keep us posted.