Yom Tov is the time for davening, divrei Torah, eating, schmoozing, catching up with friends and family, eating, reading (books over magazines, forever and always), also eating…These are a few ideas I learned or thought about over the past few weeks that I’d love to share (and all shidduchim-related in some way, but don’t worry, they’re just kind of nice, not annoying).
Tell the children to daven. The day after Yom Kippur, one of my coworkers texted me that when she was davening with her children on Yom Kippur, one of them turned to her (an 8-year-old girl) and said, “So-and-so [that would be me] needs a shidduch. We have to daven for her to meet the right one soon.” And my coworker wrote, “She davened with a lot of kavana.” Aside from being super-touched (and, let’s get real, encouraged), this made me reflect on how children are such an untapped resource for tefillah. We search high and low for segulos but the tefillos of children are known to have a special power. I think it’s important for people (not just singles, obviously) to talk to our nieces and nephews, neighbors and cousins about how it’s such a big mitzvah to feel what someone else is going through and to daven for them. From a young age, children can relate to the concept of trying to help someone get married. I remember being pained as a child and davening for people to find their shidduch.
No more “pre-search.” One of my friends read an article in a health magazine about “soft stalking,” which is obsessively searching for whatever you can find online about a person who doesn’t actually know you’re interested in them. These days, the temptation is great, and it’s oh, so easy to learn loads of irrelevant but somehow fascinating details about a guy, their family, their references, etc., once that shidduch resume sends you down an Internet rabbit hole. It’s like Google meets Jewish geography: Jewgle. However, the issue with this kind of “pre-search” is that it convinces your brain that the subject is significant to you and creates an emotional attachment of sorts that is not based on a relationship. That makes it more frustrating and disappointing if you never hear back from them (for example). It also makes it more difficult for you to be open to starting a relationship with someone else.
Stand by your story. I went out with someone a few months ago (who did not work out, clearly) and I had seen a quality in him that I don’t encounter very often, and honestly, it was amazing for me. I had never fully and confidently articulated how important this quality was to me. I always felt kind of bad about stressing this point because a critical voice inside my head kept telling me, “There are other qualities that matter more in a marriage. You can’t make this a deal breaker.” But this tension was building up inside of me since I met him, and I kept thinking, “But how will I ever respect/connect with anyone who isn’t like this?” Finally I called a friend, in tears actually, telling her that I felt that at my age, when I should be more open-minded, I’m becoming harder to please — and I told her about the whole inner conflict. She responded, so utterly calmly, “So he raised the bar. That’s a good thing. This is what you need. You’re not being picky, you need something specific.” When I talked about this with another friend, she responded (via WhatsApp), I AM SO HAPPY AND RELIEVED TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT. Basically, choose friends wisely, and also, know who you are and what you need, and then stand by your story. You’re not picky, you need something specific.
Mass-networking is counterproductive. A dearly beloved friend posted my resume to a shidduch chat, unbeknownst to me (but I’ve since forgiven her, as you will soon see). Instantly, she was bombarded with resumes of half a dozen guys who were interested (and no, I am not bragging, as you will soon see). We’re talking…no-shaychus-whatsoever (for me!). My friend spent the next few days playing Whack-a-Mole, explaining that no, this isn’t a shidduch, she’s really looking for an English speaker, etc. I felt so bad that she had to deal with this mess when she was only trying to help, that I laughed the whole thing off as just another misadventure on the road to the chuppah. The thing is, my friend said afterwards how hard it was for her to have to keep turning people down, people who also need a shidduch, and are also doing their best to find one. What was supposed to be productive and empowering became painfully demoralizing. We concluded that mass-networking efforts do not fall into the category of healthy hishtadlus because, more often than not, they reinforce despairing thoughts like, “there are way too many people looking for a shidduch,” or “how will anyone possibly be right for me,” or “I’m looking for a needle in a haystack.” We don’t have to comb the earth to find the one; that isn’t reasonable. It makes more sense to patiently and persistently meet new people (not just shadchanim!), articulate what you are looking for, and wait and see what Hashem brings.
It’s good to be back here! I hope you had a nice Y”T! Please share any thoughts below 🙂
