First of all, happy Tu B’Shvat!
Now, this topic. The elephant in the room. I’ve avoided it for almost an entire year, but if this blog is meant for people in the parsha, we were going to acknowledge this issue at some point, weren’t we? So, let’s get this over with as quickly as possible and hope no one gets hurt.
I want to say at the outset that I do not want to minimize anyone’s pain. If you have been struggling in shidduchim for a long time, sometimes it really does feel like there’s no one left for you and you might as well give up the search. But those feelings are not based on immutable reality. Because…
There’s no such thing as a shidduch crisis. Know how I know? Because we believe in something called hashgacha pratis. It’s one of the key components of emunah. It means that Hashem has a unique, very individualized plan for every member of Klal Yisrael, and He watches over each person and orchestrates events so that His plan will unfold for that person exactly as He intended, at the time He intended. That means that nothing and no one can stop Hashem from doing exactly as He plans for each person. That means that no human on earth can tell you the path your life will take.
In almost every advertisement and article addressing the shidduch…nisayon, Hashem has been conspicuous only by His absence. Have you noticed?
If someone is very sick r”l, and the situation does not look good, we publicize their Tehillim name and ask everyone to daven. Why bother? I mean…statistics, right? Because we believe that Hashem can turn around any situation in an instant and He loves and waits for our tefillos. And that doctors and prognoses and treatments are part of the hishtadlus we do to show Hashem that we are willing to invest all we can, but ultimately we know the results are totally in His hands. And the same is true for shidduchim as it is true for any and all challenges that human beings face. So why does our community seem to view shidduchim so differently? As if in this area we have a systemic problem, and it’s our fault, and we have to cure it, and even if we can cure it, some people still don’t have hope? Where does this belief stem from?
Well…
The Nesivos Shalom writes that since emunah is the basis of all avodas Hashem, the Yetzer HaRah creates terribly difficult nisyonos in this area. And especially in the generation of Moshiach, since the geulah will come in the merit of emunah, the nisyonos of emunah will be more formidable than ever. To the point that (get this) even people who are otherwise yarei Shomayim and midakdek b’mitzvos will have thoughts of k’fira. And these thoughts are like a contagious disease, so one shouldn’t even have discussions with people who might have these thoughts.
This passage is describing the shidduch crisis, straight up. So we just may have arrived at the final battle. And our duty on the field is to believe that Hashem can do anything, and to live like we believe that Hashem can do anything.
The geulah will come in the merit of righteous women. Maybe we are the righteous women that Moshiach has been waiting for.
P.S. A word on all the dramatic charts and graphs: The concept of a shidduch “crisis” is based entirely on the premise that the pool of boys and girls who are looking to marry each other will have gone to specific schools, have grown up as part of a specific system and will be dating according to specific rules, and that the population is measurable down to the last person and remains static. In reality, people enter and leave this parsha at different times for various reasons, move to the left and right hashkafically, marry people from different backgrounds than themselves or from different parts of the world, or people who had been previously married, and with wildly variable age differences in both directions. It also doesn’t account for the percentage of individuals who have specific needs that preclude their dating just “anyone” on “shidduch island.” This is all aside from the fact that statistics are simply a part of the nisayon called teva, which serves as a mask Hashem hides behind so that we get to do the work of finding Him. Hashem laughs in the face of statistics! The end.
Wonderful post. I’ve written a dozen versions of this in my head. I wish single men and women would be more vocal in their rejection of the so-called “Shidduch Crisis”. It’s hard to think of another example where frum people regularly voice ideas wholly incompatible with emunah and for the most part go unchallenged. Thanks for writing!
“…would be more vocal in their rejection” — couldn’t agree with you more!!
HI!
So, shidduch crisis, or Hashgacha Pratis?
First of all we need to clarify what is hasgacha pratis? What does Hashem do and what is out part?
Hey stop that, you’re screaming Hashem does everything! You’re spewing apikorsus!
Please hear me out.
The Creator gave us eyes, to look both ways before crossing, if chalila, one was hit by a car for being negligent……negligent? Hashem does everything!
So I no longer need to look both ways….?!?
NO! Hashem gave me eyes and I need to use the gifts He bestowed.
Hashem does not want people to die needlessly or from being careless.
There is Talmudic idea regarding the permissibility of getting engaged on Yom Kippur or even on Tisha B’av because “she’ma yikadmenu achar”. Dont let opportunity pass you by.
Get engaged, even on Tisha B’av because you might lose your zivug.
This screams and stinks form apikorsus, or not?
Hashem runs the world, no doubt, but He runs it according to nature. Rare is the open miracle. He expects us to do our best and not rely on the miracle.
He expects us to build a sukka, on the same day we say in Ani Maamin. achako lo b’chol yom sh’yavo. One does not need a sukka in Yerushalayim. (Bies hamikdash era, look it up)
So shidduch crisis? sorta yes, but its our own doing.
Heaven already decreed the shidduch. you need have both eyes open, realize a shidduch need work, marriage needs lots more.
If you want to reject something, then reject the Hollywood values that have crept into our lives.
We judge potential mates by their looks, money, social standing and selfish thoughts. ( is s/he good for me)
Please choose a partner by one thing, will s/he be a good parent, because that’s the bottom line.
The very first Mitzva is pru u’revu. All other mitzvos are Heaven sent gifts as instructions, on how to follow though on the first one.
If s/he will be a good parent, then responsibilty, good middows, spirituality and being a great spouse will be there too.
Hatzlacha!
Thank you for your time in writing your response!
Here are my thoughts regarding the points you raised:
Shidduch crisis = the widespread belief that there aren’t enough boys, chas v’shalom. Such a belief shows a lack of emunah because it denies hashgacha pratis, our belief that statistics don’t determine what happens to each individual, but rather that Hashem in His wisdom has determined the course each person’s life will take. Of course, everyone agrees that reasonable hishtadlus (not desperate, not enough to make you feel sick or stop believing that Hashem is in charge) is a requirement. Hishtadlus could include networking, being open to different “packages,” working through relationship challenges and anxiety, etc. That doesn’t change the fact that even while you do reasonable hishtadlus, results are in Hashem’s hands. Obviously, downright negligence (i.e. refusal to network or meet shadchanim) is problematic but usually is related to a deeper block which must be addressed before a person can be ready for marriage.
I am familiar with the idea that one may get engaged on Tisha B’Av, as my sibling did just that. I believe this speaks to the high value we place on marriage, and the idea that we don’t delay doing a mitzvah, as opposed to fear of losing what is destined for you.
Rare indeed is the open miracle, but every person who gets engaged will tell you that they felt Hashem’s involvement in some way, whether it was the way a shidduch was redt, or the emotional support they had in order to bring it to completion, or the fact that their eyes were opened to some aspect of the other person that helped them decide they were the right one. With regard to building a sukkah – we have to live in each moment as it is, while we continue to believe “yeshuas Hashem k’heref ayin.” This has always been the great balance of a Jew in galus (we do build yeshivos and shuls, after all), and waiting for one’s zivug is a form of galus.
As far as rejecting potential matches for superficial reasons — in my experience, this is largely a misconception, and most singles I know are truly struggling to find the right one to connect with and build a relationship with. Of course it behooves each individual to connect with a rov, mentor, or professional who can help objectively assess whether an issue is really a deal-breaker or can be worked through.
Additionally, marrying someone because they would make a good father is not enough of a reason. There are no guarantees in life.
The confusion and angst so many people are experiencing in shidduchim is a symptom of chevlei Moshiach. B’ezras Hashem, we will soon merit to have complete clarity and yeshuos with the coming of Moshiach.