Relationships are developed through communication, the more honest and authentic, the better. Sometimes when we’re in a dating relationship, though, it’s hard to communicate with confidence, and we fall into a dance of uncertainty: What should I bring up, and when and how, and how can I ask without really asking, and hopefully the conversation will just go there, and I need a good segue, and why is this conversation not going anywhere. Maybe because the stakes seem higher than in other relationships, shidduchim can make a normally self-aware, articulate human being clam up.
I have learned that, scarily enough, the one best way to bring up something you want to discuss is…to come right out and say it. As in “I’d love to hear more about your family,” followed by specific questions. Or, “I’d love to hear your opinion on this-or-that-controversial/charged/loaded topic.” Or, “can we discuss raising children/where we want to live/life insurance/our parents/the status of this relationship/the role of Harry Potter in a bayis ne’eman/marriage?”
For a long time, I struggled with asserting myself and showing up to discuss the things that mattered to me, and I would kind of try to push the conversation there without being obvious, but that just didn’t really work. I call it “Scattergories-style dating” because it’s effectively trying to weave meaningful conversation out of topics that turn up incidentally.
Although it’s scary to step forward and be who you are and say what you need, that’s the only way for a relationship to move forward at all. It’s like, here I am, here is what is on my mind, will you meet me? And maybe not everyone can, but the right person will.
Any thoughts?
