This post has been in the works forever. I’ve written about other hard stuff — rejection, loneliness, and ambiguous loss — but not enough about heartbreak. I have to admit that before I experienced heartbreak, it seemed mysterious and romantic to me: imagine having had a relationship that was “real” enough to matter when it ended.
Many of us have a “frequent flyer” shidduch suggestion that keeps coming up, and in my case, the answer is “Yes, we know about each other, he isn’t interested…” For context, he lives near me, he went out with my cousin,
We all have our struggles that make shidduchim uniquely challenging and painful for each of us. I have struggled mightily with feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy: How do I know that I’m trying hard enough, pushing and stretching myself enough (whatever that means), being open enough (whatever that means)? When I was davening at the Kosel in February, I felt …
None of us knows quite where we will find ourselves when we meet the right person, and what that process will look like, and how the pieces will fit together. But I’ve definitely absorbed the word on the street about what that process looks like for “older singles” (which I suppose I am): it’s lengthy, it’s complicated, it gets hard …
A few months ago, the 18Forty podcast and website did a series on dating and marriage in the frum community. At the time, I thought, wow, this is incredibly validating stuff, but touching on a part of me too raw to engage with right now. But some time has passed, and I don’t want to not link it here because …
For the past few weeks, Mishpacha Magazine has been publishing a lot of content about shidduchim, problems in the system, possible solutions, letters in response, etc…and I haven’t written about it here. The truth is that I am tired of digesting this type of content and figuring out, then articulating, my thoughts. I’m tired of being everyone’s problem. I’m …
Please respond to my text or email. Often I am just asking a yes or no question. It’s okay if you can’t help me, I know you are not a magician, but it feels a lot worse when you just ignore me. You can set up an automatic response system if you know you can’t get back to everyone so …
I have a file that I add to anytime I come across an interesting article, website, person, etc that relates to one of the topics I may write about. Of course I have many references to shidduchim/singlehood. Recently I came across an amazing study which was also written about in this op-ed:
Shidduchim requires us to hold an amazing paradox: there is so much we can do — an endless number of things — and there is nothing we can do. The Brisker Rav famously said that hishtadlus in shidduchim is unnecessary, and it is permitted for our nerves. There will always be more hishtadlus we can think of, yet we know …
I realized that the main thing keeping me doing hishtadlus in shidduchim is the belief that there is an ending to all of this and the ending is good. Continuing to show up, try again, and inch along is a manifestation of that belief. I can’t make a miracle, but I can continue trying to place myself in its path. …
