Strengthening Your (Future) Marriage

Hi, all. I hope you had an easy fast this week and are having a great summer so far. I’ve been busy planning a trip with a friend, and I’m so excited but I also have to admit that I can’t wait to be home, safe and sound! (Nerves). In the meantime, I’ve been listening to audiobooks and tutoring on the side.

 

Marriage is on the brain…has anyone else found it anxiety-provoking to be told to “use your time now!” to prepare for marriage? To “work on your middos” and “know that everybody has challenges” and “no marriage is perfect” so you want to “be prepared!”? I always wished for some kind of breakdown of skills that are important to develop in order to have a strong marriage. 

 

Well…over the years since seminary I’ve gathered some ideas and insight from books, workshops, mentors, observation, and life experience! What I’ve realized is that as much as it’s nice to want to build skills for a better marriage, your marriage can only be as healthy and happy as your relationships with yourself and others.

 

As a single adult, you have the advantage of capitalizing on your time and resources to invest in yourself in ways that will only improve your present life and your future marriage. Singlehood is an opportunity to strengthen yourself emotionally and spiritually for whatever life brings your way. So, here are some of my thoughts on the matter, and please can you share yours below?:

 

1. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Try facing down your fears and saying yes to things you wouldn’t have before. You’ll meet all sorts of awesome people, expand your range of experiences, and develop self-confidence and independence. You’ll look at yourself in a year from now, whether single  or married, and be proud of yourself for overcoming insecurities and grateful for the opportunities you didn’t pass up. You’ll be braver and more willing to take steps that help you in your life’s journey.

 

2. Get to know and meet your needs. It’s hard when all you crave is someone in your life who will understand you, be there for you, and always know what to do to make things better. But as much as we all deeply want to be taken care of, owning your adulthood means knowing that you are responsible for meeting your own needs – material, emotional, and spiritual. Invest generously in yourself, whether that means pursuing a hobby, making a new friend, working out, or taking a vacation. When you feel cared for, you have the resources and energy with which to give to others. Perl Abramovitz suggests getting to know your own Love Language and finding ways to make sure it is spoken in your life. Self-care is key to maintaining a relationship in the long term.  Know and understand that you are worthy of being nurtured. Along these lines…

 

3. Develop an independent life. Who are you? What do you care about? What are you interested in? Go for it! Every relationship benefits from “away time,” whether you spend it alone or with friends. No partner appreciates feeling solely responsible for your fulfillment or happiness. Pursuing what fulfills you and brings you joy outside of the relationship will enhance the relationship.  

 

4. Strengthen and expand your network of friends.  Connection to others adds meaning and dimension to your life. Be open-minded and curious about what others have to offer. Go to places where you will meet new people. Join a shiur, exercise class, or chesed program. Try to connect with people who are different from you. Be open to making friends who are older or younger than you are. Relationships with others are enriching in so many ways. You will acquire respect for others’ needs that may be different from your own, and having strong female friendships has been linked to having a happy marriage.

 

5. Practice gratitude wherever possible. Being single is hard and gets awfully lonely at times. You are definitely entitled to all your feelings and as I’ve mentioned before, it’s important to give space to the full gamut of emotions. However, getting stuck in negativity or despair is plain miserable. Just because something is your right, doesn’t make it pleasant or practical (or attractive). Be judicious about indulging your “right to stew.” Allow yourself to savor the small things and thank Hashem for the gifts along the way. Gratitude leads to joy, and joy is beautiful. Also, John Gottman says that gratitude keeps marriages strong.

 

6. Work to heal.  Everyone struggles with triggers, unhelpful learned patterns, and difficult experiences that cause a lot of pain. It’s hard to face pain, but every bit of time and expense you invest in yourself now in order to heal and learn new ways of being will be repaid one-thousand fold in marriage. The work is always worth it.

 

7. Live in the moment. Your life is valuable and worth enjoying as it is today. Know that you are loved in the place you are right now. Hashem has a plan for you, now and for your future. Take advantage of your life now and do your best.

 

What would you add? What have you learned? We’d love if you can share!