I’m struggling to find the sweet spot between too much hishtadlus and too little. Or really, between too much and just right. Can anyone relate?
It’s that feeling of…maybe I should text this shadchan again. And, like, maybe again soon. Or email this person my resume, again, as a friendly reminder. Or meet another shadchan who works with this yeshiva even though I never heard back from the other five, and one was awful. You know, stuff like that.
So I’ve been thinking about hishtadlus, and how it’s a two-sided coin. And how it all relates to Pesach. (Pesach?!?)
Mesillas Yesharim says that hishtadlus isn’t necessary for the yeshuah to happen, but it is required. Along those lines, I’ve had the thought that hishtadlus done right actually can become a catalyst for the yeshuah, not because of the physical efforts expended but because of how the efforts change you along the way. Hishtadlus in shidduchim has certainly changed me, and I think in mostly nice ways. When you’ve been in awkward or semi-mortifying situations enough times, something in you softens. Your sense of humor becomes your superpower. You learn how to be misunderstood and still be okay with other people’s limitations. You learn that whatever you may have been socially or academically in high school, or regardless of whether you were on people’s “least likely to” list, your trajectory is only in the hands of Hashem – because here you are, at this event or in this waiting room or on this long drive, and that’s just what has to be done. You become humble, because that’s the only way you’ll be able to bend and sway with the winds of life.
I know that many people have the opposite struggle, of really disliking and avoiding putting themselves out there, and that’s also such a struggle. But for me (and probably lots of people?), the question is, how do you know when you’re being responsible vs. relying too much on your own efforts?
So this question made me think of the posuk in Parshas Beshalach, at Kriyas Yam Suf. Bnei Yisroel are looking out at the Yam Suf and it looks like they’re trapped, and the way forward offers no hope. And Moshe says, “Hisyatzvu u’reu es yeshuas Hashem.” Stand and see the salvation of Hashem.
You’re davening, Bnei Yisroel. You did whatever you know how to do. You brought yourselves to water’s edge and you’re not running away. Now stand and watch what I can do when you trust Me. I can take a very big problem and make it disappear, without any help from you.
Maybe, today, when so much seems to be right at our fingertips (resumes emailed within seconds, Whatsapp groups, Skype!), and it feels like it’s only a matter of a little more effort, a little more networking, our challenge is to learn to let go of the need to be in control. Hashem can hide your zivug in plain sight. If it’s not the right time for you to find each other, it’s not the right time. If you know (as best as a human being can know anything) that you’re davening, and you’ve brought yourself to water’s edge and you’re not running away, then maybe the right thing for now is to stand and see the yeshuah of Hashem.
