Spiritual Journey

How would you describe your spiritual journey throughout your years of singlehood? I would say that over these years, my “growing energy” has flowed from  – for lack of a better phrase – becoming frummer towards growing emotionally and relationally. But then again, maybe that is part of the bigger whole of Yiddishkeit itself? I know that I am not quite as “frum”(?) as I was when I came home from seminary 13 years ago, very inspired to only want to marry a forever-learner and to disavow any unnecessary connection to western culture. I am not that person today (obviously), and though for a long time I thought that must mean I had failed on my spiritual path, I am not so sure anymore. Life isn’t quite so simple.

 

In the intervening 13 years, as I became more of an adult and person, my relationship with Hashem became more honest and authentic. It is impossible to know whether there is somewhere else I might have been had life turned out differently, or whether that would have been preferable to where I am now.

 

So where am I now?

I feel very connected to the ruchniyus of Eretz Yisroel. When I’m there, I don’t want to ever leave. I struggle to daven on a regular basis; sometimes I get into a good pattern and keep it up for awhile. I don’t learn about tznius from a sefer (as I once did), and I don’t have the same high level of sensitivity about every item of clothing (although overall, yes, I’m still careful), but I think about what it means to live as a tzanua across all aspects of life and I have a strong sensitivity in this area. I strive to make a kiddush Hashem at work and wherever I interact with non-frum individuals. Sometimes I feel a sense of loss around the Yomim Tovim because at one point I felt very connected to their spiritual aliveness, and now a lot of my energy is spent Y”T time on figuring out where to be and how to have as nice a Y”T as possible under the circumstances. I engage more with secular culture (books, podcasts, the occasional movie or show, some music – I do strive to be somewhat discerning and refined in these areas even so); this is not something I feel I need when I’m in E”Y but is something I feel I need here.

 

So where am I now?

I don’t really know.

I am striving to be a good person, to have emunah and bitachon, to stretch myself for others, to be happy. I trust that Hashem sees the direction of my heart. I have a lot of room to grow, but that is what life is for.

 

If this post reads somewhat messy, that’s because the journey is. It hasn’t been easy to put this all into words because it’s nuanced and I don’t always understand it. But I hope this post may have been helpful to you in some way.