My friend sent me a letter to the editor (“Far From Miserable”) that was written in response to the fish tank story in Mishpacha. It did not sit well with her and once I read it I felt the same.
Before I continue I just want to emphasize that I don’t presume to speak for everyone who is single and in their upper 20’s to 30’s (like me). Each person has her own experience and that is 100% legitimate. However, I will share my thoughts.
The woman introduces herself as 32 and single. She writes that she is tired of singles being portrayed as miserable and nebach, and that nothing could be further from the truth. She then describes in detail her busy and fulfilling life. All good, except the tone is very much “I don’t even care if I get married or not because my life is so terrific as is, what with my disposable income and long, restful Shabbos afternoons.” That just isn’t the experience of anyone I know who is single. We do care very, very much, and we do feel a lot of pain. It does hurt often when we are around married friends and siblings and it isn’t comfortable when everyone around us is wearing maternity clothes. We would trade our flexible schedules and nice shoes in a heartbeat for a husband and some babies. We know we are awesome and we do do a lot independently. Yes, we can host beautiful Shabbos meals in our apartments and we can call a rav and ask our own shailos. Yet we still want to be rescued by a knight in shining armor.
It is the most human desire in the world to want to be found, to be loved, to be cherished. It is not a sign of weakness to cry alone in your basement apartment that all you want is a husband. It is the most beautiful, truthful thing.
We can and do fill our lives with meaning, purpose, fulfillment, pleasure, richness, and joy. It is possible to be single and happy. And at the same time we can long for what we don’t have. We can ache for it, nearly all the time. Remember ambiguous loss?
It’s okay to not be that interested in marriage. It’s not your mitzvah. You can relish your singlehood. I just don’t think we need to conflate independence, fulfillment, and happiness with the absence of longing. You can have it all.
Wow. Beautifully put.
I think the letter writer is reacting to the unhealthy extreme portrayed in the fish story (which you also pointed out), and her tone tended toward the other extreme.
That is a good point – both are extremes.