In Which Dating Is Likened to Dress Shopping (Or, Shidduchim and Romance Novels)

Once in a long while, I’ll shop for dresses in a department store. i don’t do it too often, though, because this is what always happens:

 

I’m browsing the racks and find something that looks really nice. I lift it up to take a good look and realize that, yeah, I’m about to run into unworkable tznius issues here — but I still want to try it on. It looks nice on the hanger, and I don’t like shopping, and I just want it to work for me. One internal voice goes, “Why would you bother trying this on?” and another answers, “You never know! Maybe it’ll look different on or you can add fabric or something.” And so I try it on. Suspicions confirmed. The dress looks lovely in the mirror but I can’t wear it out of the dressing room.

 

And (embarrassing but true), sometimes I sit and sit in that dressing room until I absolutely have to go, because I don’t want to part with the dress. It looks so great on me. Never mind that my conscience will never allow me to enjoy it. And this inner grumbling begins: “It looks like it was made for me. If I was a different kind of person, I would wear this dress out of here and just enjoy. Why do I have to make things complicated for myself? Why can’t I enjoy something nice when I find it?”

 

Ever wish a guy was right for you, even when you know the relationship won’t work in the real world? Ever like how something looks so much that you try to convince yourself that really maybe sorta kinda if something just changed in a big way, it would be great?

 

If you have, welcome to the human experience. There’s a reason the library has an entire section devoted to romance novels. This complicated heart-and-mind-at-war stuff resonates. We are not logical beings.

 

One of my friends pointed out, “In frum dating, we have the same complicated feelings as the rest of the world; our society is just structured in a way that cuts out a lot of the drama.” Instead, most of the time, the drama happens internally.

 

Some of the common pseudo-reasonable messages our hearts send us when we know something is not right:

 

But he’s always been around. This boy from down the block (or your second-cousin, or best friend’s brother, or family friend) is a part of your childhood. He once shared his fruit roll-up with you! He taught you how to play Risk! He’s in the photos of your seventh birthday party! Granted, he’s grown to be completely not shayach for you from a hashkafic, middos, and/or personality standpoint, but can’t we just overlook that for old times’ sake? No. We can’t. Marriage is lived in the present. A bummer, for sure.

 

Maybe he’ll change. Maybe he will. Maybe he won’t. Maybe this is not a risk worth taking when it could result in years of loneliness and misery. Even if you know he has it in him. Maybe he does. But it usually takes a crisis for an adult to change and grow in a real foundational way. And a lot of collateral damage can result. Are you sure you want to welcome that into your life?

 

Maybe I need to change. You probably don’t. If something significant and important to you is lacking in a shidduch, you can’t decide not to care. Not without causing real psychic damage to yourself that will most assuredly come back to bite you. You have certain core needs and they don’t just go away because you want them to. And you don’t need them to. Hashem will provide. (Variations on this theme are, I can choose to look away, or, I can choose to accept him the way he is. Both well-intentioned approaches, both doomed to fail in real life when we’re talking about core needs.)

 

We can make this work. A wise person once told me that marriage counseling can make a relationship workable, but it won’t make a relationship a good idea in the first place. If you marry someone who is not a match for you for an obvious reason, you will struggle and you might not be able to make the relationship last, despite your best intentions.

 

In her book, Chana Levitan lists ten questions to ask yourself (and answer honestly!) when you are dating someone. (The book elaborates a ton and includes lots of examples and exercises):

1. Do you share the same basic goals and values?
2. Are you relating to the person you are dating or to an image?
3. Can you admit that the person you are dating has faults? Are you realistic about your own faults?
4. Does your relationship have healthy boundaries?
5. What do people you are close to have to say about the person you are dating?
6. Do you respect the person you are dating? Is there mutual respect?
7. Can you be open and honest with the person you are dating? Do you trust him or her?
8. How well do you get along with the person you are dating? How is your communication?
9. Does the person you are dating bring out the best in you?
10. If the person you are dating never changes, would you still want to get married?

 

These questions are loaded, and for me, some of them really hit home. Shared values…relating to an image…mutual respect…open communication…bringing out the best in me…Definitely topics I’ve had to think about.

 

So what can you do if you’re plagued by thoughts of someone who’s taken up residence inside your head?

Develop the habit of questioning your thoughts instead of taking them at face value (i.e. “He would take such good care of me.” Really? Would he, emotionally? Would you be seen and heard? Could you be yourself? Would you be able to live the kind of life you need to?).

Daven for the right one to come soon and for you to have clarity, or for whatever you really want, most of all.

Write a letter to yourself from your children, about what kind of marriage they want you to have and what kind of father they want to have.

Keep strengthening your inner core of self-worth and the knowledge that Hashem does not want you to sacrifice who you are in order to get married.

 

I’ll end here–one of my longest posts ever!–but if this resonates or if you have more to share on the topic, please post in the comments! We would love to hear!