I’ve been meaning to write about this not-so-cheery topic for awhile but I had to get into the right frame of mind. So, let’s talk about putting yourself out there, trying (to get an appointment with a shadchan, to get a date, to date well, to like someone), rejection, maybe repeated rejection, chronic rejection, and the impact on your self-worth. So painful. So frustrating, so unfair.
I once heard Rivka Malka Pearlman say, “Rejection is Hashem’s protection. Not sometimes. Always.” It’s that second part I repeat to myself. Not sometimes. Always. I can have all the reasons in the world why I think I should have been treated differently, gotten a “yes,” been appreciated for who I am. I can be so deeply sure I know best. Rejection is Hashem’s protection. Not sometimes. Always. (And if you really want to be creative, for every rejection you can come up with a list of possibilities Hashem is protecting you from.)
Your marital status does not equal your value as a human being. Know that. If people don’t appreciate you, then they’re not the right people for you and this isn’t your time. You deserve someone who will cherish you for who you are, and they will turn up. Rejection in the meantime does not diminish your worth one iota.
Sometimes we need to just sit and cry for how we deserve to be appreciated and treated and how deeply painful it is when that doesn’t happen. It’s real pain. One of the most difficult experiences to go through as a human being is rejection because we are wired to always seek connection and belonging, to know we “fit” somewhere and will be safely ensconced among others who care about us.
Strategies for helping to heal the wounds of rejection including spending time with people who love and accept us, learning to love and accept ourselves, too, and not blame or attack ourselves for not meeting other people’s arbitrary requirements, even looking at pictures or watching videos of people we love. It can be helpful, too, to remind ourselves that rejection in shidduchim is often based on intangibles that aren’t actually an attack on who we are (i.e. just not flowing, not quite the right “type”, don’t know anyone in common and having a hard time getting enough information to say yes…)
I know this pain and I empathize with anyone reading who is experiencing it, too. I hope these words are helpful, and know that Hashem knows and measures every second of the pain and is with you in every moment.
Here’s to bright days and good things to come.
