I transcribed a recent conversation between me and a married friend (minimal poetic license taken) because it really helped me think about things in a new way, and maybe others will find it helpful, too:
Me: So…what are you tips on not becoming cynical and jaded? Which is what I’m becoming.
Her: About what?
Me: About shidduchim. Nothing means anything to me anymore. Not meeting another shadchan, not telling people what I’m looking for, not hearing new names, not new tips or advice or segulos or ideas, not even getting brachos. Just means nothing. Like, “maybe it works for you, but not working for me…” That kind of feeling. I look around and see so many people who did this or that, and boom, they got engaged, and I just think, “Well, that’s nice that it worked out for you.”
Her: I don’t feel like that’s such a bad thing. What you’re really saying is, “I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I’ve tried that. You can all calm down about the advice and suggestions because it’s not as simple as it seems. There are no tricks or shortcuts to make it work.” In a way, I think it’s a reframe. It means you have a certain perspective. I don’t think it’s cynicism. You don’t need more tips — maybe you do need more brachos though, everyone can use brachos — but you don’t need new advice or ideas. You’re afraid it’s apathy but I see it more as, you’re not invested in the game as much. It’s not as simple as people think. There’s a detachment. You’re going to let things play out. You realize that it’s not about knowing what to do. It’s kind of like this with shalom bayis. In the beginning you’re hearing all these shiurim and it’s all new, and after awhile you’re like, “I’ve heard it all, and there’s no one thing that’s making the miracle happen.” You’re at a point where you’re realizing it’s deeper, more complex. Hashem is involved and no one answer is THE trick. Cynicism is a lot of negativity, when you hate everything, and you’re against trying, but that’s not what you’re saying. You’re saying that nothing works in and of itself, so you’re not going to jump on anything. I think it’s a certain maturity.
Me: Wow, you really nailed it. Yes!! That’s what’s going on here!
Does this resonate at all? Do you relate?
