A recent quandary (shidduch-related, naturally) had me questioning my very identity. And what it came down to, when the dust settled, is this: if I’m going to consider myself a spiritual person, I had better be sure to involve myself in spiritual pursuits.
Not that I haven’t been, per se, but this feeling — that spirituality is only kind of getting into the crevices instead of weaving itself into the whole — gave me pause. The reality is that at every age and stage we need to make a concerted effort to plug back in, so we don’t fall into this kind of awkward relationship with Torah and growing and spirituality. Like, I know you and you know me but we’re out of touch and maybe we don’t have what to talk about anymore.
At a shiur I went to, the speaker quoted Miriam Kosman’s book, Circle, Arrow, Spiral:
The minute we put ourselves in the receiving position, we feel vulnerable. If you have to give me something, it means I am dependent on you…Yet lack does not imply inferiority. Not only do we demonstrate our complexity when we lack — the simpler the organism, the less it needs to survive — we open ourselves up to the vast beauty of the universe, and more importantly we open ourselves up to connection and love.
Maybe we can prepare for Kabolas HaTorah (that is to say, not the giving or the taking of the Torah but the receiving of it) by allowing ourselves to feel the longing for connection. To be open, to be yearning, to be small, and to miss the relationship if it isn’t what it once was.
Have a good Yom Tov!
P.S. I love this short video.
