I’m not dating anyone at this writing, so this is a totally hypothetical question, but I’ve been wondering what your thoughts are: do you think I should continue writing about being single when I’m not single anymore? I wonder sometimes what I will do about my blog once I get married. Do I retain any sort of authority on the subject of shidduchim when I’m not longer in it; if so, for how long, or might it be that because I was single for as long as I have been (into my 30’s) I am still an honorary older single once I’m married?
I suppose this question relates to how you feel about a) married people sounding off about shidduchim in general and b) once-single-now-married friends empathizing and what makes that helpful or not. (I live with the belief that this question will suddenly be non-hypothetical, which is why I want to start this conversation). I’ve linked a little response form; you can also drop a comment here and we can have an interesting discussion about this.
Hi. I’m recently married – in my 30’s as well and to share my experience is as follows – once you’re physically out of a situation – you can no longer feel it with the intensity of details of what it was. Yes – you won’t forget and yes the painful wait period and comments over the journey don’t just disappear – but I can’t imagine you’ll be able to write about the experience and give the feel to others while you’re no longer journeying this path. I always thought I’ll be able to clearly recall and feel – and now that the reality is different – B”H I’m here to tell you that although your intentions may be wonderful and you’d want to strengthen those that are where you just turned off from – but the intensity and the feelings and senses begin to fade and shift. It is my Tefila to you that sooner than soon you should turn off this road and reach out to me and shake your head in agreement as you begin to feel the feelings that I am
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and this perspective. Mazal tov to you and I’m so touched you read this blog! I really hear your point, which is why I opened this conversation. Amen, thank you for your bracha! Is it weird that your comment is making me feel a little homesick? 🙈
Hey it’s interesting because although it may fade, I think it’s such a strong part of your identity that I’d still wanna somehow stay connected to it, in some capacity. If it’s making a difference, or actively helping others more in shidduchim… meaning would the public appreciate the writing, I don’t know but I’d feel abandoning to leave that part of my life without having done something forward in some way. It was such an intense experience, I’d not want to just “move on,” my heart would still have a piece there …which may be the trauma 🙂
Right, I totally hear this too. It’s impossible to know for sure right now, but I think I’ll always care a lot about this issue. (As of now, my dissertation will iy”H be about the experience of shidduchim in the frum community – that phase of my program is a ways off, so of course this could change too, but I’m just so passionate about it). I don’t know if there is a way to answer this now, but I am curious to hear more people’s thoughts/perspectives.
I think that after you are married be”H you should keep writing, but from the different perspective of being married rather than single. You will iy”H have different perspectives, some of which can be valuable to single people. I think a big way that your being in shidduchim for a long time will help after you’re married is sensitivity to singles – knowing what NOT to say to single people and knowing what insights are appropriate to share with them from the vantage point of someone who’s married. (This sensitivity may not last forever, but at least for the first while.)
I totally hear that and that makes a lot of sense. It’s hard for me to imagine myself NOT being in it anymore (from an emotional standpoint) so it stretches my mind a bit to think about writing from a new perspective. (This conversation is making me think of the question I posed in an earlier post: Who am I when I’m not in shidduchim?)
Your blog does include a lot of posts that are not shidduchim-related too!
Haha, that’s true too!