A few months ago, the 18Forty podcast and website did a series on dating and marriage in the frum community. At the time, I thought, wow, this is incredibly validating stuff, but touching on a part of me too raw to engage with right now. But some time has passed, and I don’t want to not link it here because it is great stuff.
Channah Cohen, a researcher with the OU, conducted interviews with single men and women in the frum community to get their perspectives on the most significant issues impacting them, and then wrote about it. I appreciated the framework she shared which she heard from Rabbi Shlomo Goldberger of Baltimore: there are two sets of challenges impacting singles – the crisis of process (the dating system, resumes, red tape with shadchanim, lack of opportunities, etc.) and the crisis of experience (feeling placeless and marginalized, judged and devalued as a part of the frum community). Often, efforts to alleviate the crisis of process exacerbate the crisis of experience. I thought this was a brilliant way of conceptualizing it, and also thought this tracks really well with the idea that there are masculine vs. feminine approaches to helping singles in the frum community.
My personal preference is to focus on what can be improved about the experience of singlehood. That is a solvable problem we can choose to address. In general, I think the momentum is in that direction, and that it will keep growing as people who are single find validation in one another’s articulation of our experiences and our needs.
I hope you enjoy the interview and articles!
