Plot Twist

My younger sister is engaged. The one who was in elementary school when I was in seminary. I didn’t think this would really happen.

 

When I sat down to write this post, I wasn’t sure which direction to take it in. To let you know how I’m doing? To share chizuk with anyone in the same situation? To philosophize about age order or marriage or challenges in general?

 

Or maybe…all of the above?

 

My process really began when my sister started shidduchim about a year ago. It had simply not occurred to me (or perhaps I just never wanted to go there) that by the time she was ready to start dating, I might not be married already. On the eve of her first date, I was sure beyond a doubt that she was going to up and marry her first guy. And it all seemed too big and scary for me.

 

I can now reread my journal from that period and be amazed. What seemed overwhelmingly difficult at the time has become much more manageable, which proves that people really can and do change, with the right tools. I was so afraid of being alone, of being pitied, of being spoken about. I was afraid of being forgotten, sure that everyone was going to say they tried hard enough to help me and just give up on me. I was really suffering. But you know what they say: pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Not that suffering is a conscious choice, G-d forbid, and I would never minimize it. But the root causes of suffering can often be identified and addressed, to our great relief.

 

I am not your therapist (or anyone’s…yet), but here are some pointers I had to learn then about how to survive and thrive when you’re slammed with something that seems too big.

 

If you are suffering and can’t act the way you would want to, you may have never learned to regulate. This is not your fault. We learn to emotionally regulate from having parents or caregivers who were consistently responsive and modeled regulation. Not everyone gets this and you don’t learn to do it until you make the conscious decision to learn the skills. It might take a while to see real change; cut yourself some slack. Resources like this book can help.

 

Nutrition and sleep are essential. You can’t be calm without enough protein, without water, without sleep…it can’t happen. These things make a huge difference.

 

Calm and soothe yourself through the body. Furry blankets, hot showers, yoga and breathing, lavender, music, a walk in the fresh air…all are at your disposal.

 

Address the thoughts. Be open and curious to know, what is my brain thinking? (Notice I didn’t write, what am I thinking? Because most or all of the thoughts that lead to suffering are subconscious and follow very old patterns, almost always including cognitive distortions that you learned and can unlearn).

My thoughts about this engagement were:

I couldn’t do it and she could.

I tried so hard but it wasn’t good enough.

I went about it the wrong way and she went about it the right way.

She is taking what is supposed to be mine.

Once it’s my turn, it won’t even be exciting because she took all the excitement.

I’ll always be behind her.

It should be me.

I should be doing all this first. I’m older. I tried harder. I went through more.

Each one of these thoughts can be addressed satisfactorily. But only if they’re identified first.

 

 

By the way, once you have given a lot of energy to the above points, it’s easier to deal with the fact of having a younger sister get engaged. It’s not easy, but it’s manageable.

 

Go ahead and take measures to protect yourself from unempathic relatives, insensitive neighbors, etc. Set deliberate boundaries. You do not need to answer texts that hurt you. You do not need to put yourself into situations that are painful for you. You do not owe anyone an impressive performance of Big Sister the Farginner. As long as you are not trying to hurt or control anyone, do what you need to do.

 

Remember this: Hashem, and only Hashem, is running this show. No one can take what was meant for you, not one speck of it. You have a bashert. Hashem does not lose socks in the wash. Everything happens at the right time when everything that needs to be in place is in place. Your chosson might be the one who isn’t ready yet, so please don’t blame yourself.

 

So how am I doing? Working on remembering all of the above. Grateful for my friends and one sister who have carried me through this. (A post on offering support will follow). Hurting. Grateful for my friends (did I mention that?). And knowing that one day, this will all be behind me.