I’m learning to mute the cacophony of accusatory voices, the ones that insist that anyone in shidduchim for a length of time must be making poor decisions, or is picky or unreasonable or impossible to please. I’m learning to stop taking responsibility when things don’t work out, or when I have to say no, or when I end up in a tussle with a pushy shadchan and feeling guilty for somehow doing this all to myself.
I wonder if shidduchim is unique in that it is a nisayon people feel they can blame other people for going through. (“If you’d only want it badly enough…”) One thing I know I can do for myself is stop telling myself the same things and return the controls solely to the One Above.
So,
I place my complete trust in Hashem that He will remain intimately involved in the small details of my life, as He always has been. I trust that He will guide me to the correct decisions and to the people who can help me make the correct decisions.
I allow myself to make educated guesses regarding what will or won’t work for me.
I allow myself to be wrong.
I allow myself to make mistakes, as we all do. I accept that I can only know what I know and feel what I feel.
I accept that my capacity to stretch, to try, and to see possibility will change depending on internal and external factors. I trust that Hashem, Master of timing, knows me well enough to work with my limitations.
I trust that when someone is right for me, Hashem will bring him to my door, even despite my efforts to the contrary.
I give Hashem full responsibility for marrying me off. I am along for the ride and willing to be as helpful a participant as possible, but I will not take responsibility for the way things go.
Thank you.
I admire your conviction. But (as someone who struggles with this myself), how do you know that Hashem accepts full responsibility for marrying you off? Maybe He’s doing his job by bringing the person to your door, and He expects you to stretch out of your comfort zone and settle for a lesser marriage? Maybe it is up to you to want to be married enough.
Shidduchim is very much about personal choice, how do you know it’s not up to you to take responsibility for your choices?
Because you can only do what you can do. That’s why I think it’s really important to have relationships with wise, objective third parties who can help you figure out whether you can stretch or whether someone is simply not right for you. I do believe we are guided by an inner compass that tells us whether or not we should keep trying. I know many people who got engaged on a “round two” because they kept feeling unsettled about their decisions to say no, and in the end they did have clarity that the person was indeed right for them. But if something feels too difficult to countenance, then it is.
When I daven, I tell Hashem that I am ready and willing to be a kli for His yeshuah but I need Him to guide me, open my eyes and give me clarity. And I thank Him in advance for doing it 🙂 .
I would like to add on to this. I think that when we start to feel that maybe something is wrong with us, maybe we are the exception to the rule and we won’t end up happy, then it becomes very hard to stretch our thoughts or tefillos or desire to want something that seems good for us. If you feel something is good for you, shoot for the stars in your desire and your tefillos.
When someone gets engaged (I’m saying this as a married person who was in shidduchim for several years), they are happy with the package even if it is not exactly what they had in mind – the word “settle” connotes this feeling of inferiority, that I don’t deserve and won’t get what I truly desire. But the truth is, when you meet the right one – even if he is shorter or his family is different than you imagined or he’s different in certain areas – you are happy with the general picture. Remember the pasuk, “im hayad Hashem tiktzor?” “Is Hashem’s hand too short?” (in Mitzrayim). This can be your mantra. Know that you have the ability to choose and want good and to want to build a home with someone great. Do your best to listen to your inner voice when making decisions but know that even that is not the be-all and end-all; Hashem is even more powerful than our choices. How many girls kicked themselves for saying no and then the guy was still around? When it’s meant to be it will be!
But how many girls kicked themselves for saying no and then the guy was no longer around? I think they should admit “I was wrong for saying no” so they can learn from their mistake. Not just say “Well it wasn’t meant to be because when Hashem gave me the opportunity, I said no, and now I no longer have that opportunity.” Or as the post put it, “I trust that when someone is right for me, Hashem will bring him to my door, even despite my efforts to the contrary.”
Of course Hashem’s hand is not too short and He is capable of showering everyone with unimaginable bracha, but that doesn’t mean He WILL. And it doesn’t mean that a girl who keeps rejecting possibility after possibility can throw up her hands and say well, it’s Hashem’s responsibility to marry me off and He just hasn’t stepped up to the plate yet.
If the guy wasn’t around anymore, it wasn’t bashert. Perhaps the lesson is, if this issue comes up again, I see that it is something I think I can live with and I will do my best to work with it then.
If you or anyone thinks you reject shidduchim for the wrong reasons, it’s an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself and what drives your decision-making. But you can’t just wish away your limitations, it takes time and work to become someone who can be at peace with not getting what you imagined (or for what you think you need to change), and the duration of the process is also bashert.
In terms of Hashem bringing someone to my door “despite my efforts to the contrary,” I can say that I have seen this already, how I’ll get a resume and really not be excited about something and say that it’s not for me, and then a few weeks later I’ll hear something else or have a change of heart and I do end up going out. Hashem has His ways of making sure things happen the way they are supposed to. I even know someone who said no to a first date and the shadchan told the guy she said yes! And they’re married.
Hi, I just wrote a full post addressing your questions – thank you so much for making me really think about these ideas. I’d love to continue the conversation! https://www.all-worthwhile.com/out-of-the-loop/
Of course if someone is noticing a pattern, that’s something to work on, and that’s a big part of hishtadlus. But ultimately, the only true hishtadlus in shidduchim is tefillah according to the seforim, and it’s important to keep a balance between hishtadlus and letting Hashem be in control. It sounds like (and I totally relate to this struggle, as I’m sure so, so many people do) that you’re taking responsibility for being in control. We all have limitations and we can’t do better than our best. We need to set ourselves up for success b’derech hateva (looking nice on dates, actually going on dates even if it means making a schedule change…) It’s that balance — you do your part but it doesn’t mean we have control over the result. And there’s the matter of timing. We say that things should happen b’shaah tova because there really is a right time. For example, I almost got engaged and the boy called it off because he had so much anxiety. That was something for him to work on but in the end he did get married to someone else, so I was not the right one and the anxiety at the time was bashert.
You don’t have to be perfect and doing the best possible hishtadlus (physically, emotionally). Your friends and mentors can point out if you’re not doing what you need to do. But beyond that, it’s in the hands of Hashem.
Just to add to “despite efforts to the contrary”, I was suggested to a certain boy at least a half dozen times over more than a year. His mother, who knew my family, kept saying no. Again and again. But when Hashem wants something to happen, it does. People kept making the suggestion. She gave up on saying no. And she is quite happy to finally have me as her daughter-in-law.
Yes, when Hashem wants something to happen, it does, despite our efforts to the contrary.
That doesn’t mean there’s no place to doubt our judgement. Wise people ask advice, check their ideas with themselves and someone else. But I firmly believe that our best intentions do not get in the way of Hashem’s plans.
Something that I once was told/ saw (going to look for the source) as someone who has been in shidduchim for a while and suffers from anxiety – is that whatever is ahead of us is in our control, and one needs to view the past as what was supposed to be part of our trajectory.
We have the opportunity to choose based on what is brought in front of us. After the fact, while we, of course, should learn from it, we can only view it as what Hashem has orchestrated for us, as the what ifs and maybes will not get us anywhere.
Beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Wow, this thread is wonderful!
(Yes, the post too :])
Agreed, this was a wonderful discussion. Thank you for stopping by!