Out of the Loop

This post was inspired by Chavi, who commented on a previous post. She raised a question — thank you very much for being honest and asking it — that resonated with me and I’m sure many people: How do you know that you’re doing your part in helping yourself get married? How do you know whether you’ve turned down people you could have married if you had been willing to stretch?

 

I started sharing some of my ideas in the comments on that post, but I realize I did not address the underlying emotion — that this is all just so hard. It is so hard to have to make these calls and not have the menuchas hanefesh of knowing, with certainty, that you did the right thing. Or of holding onto that certainty, even if you originally had it. Especially when time passes. Especially when months or years go by and you haven’t met anyone who comes close.

 

The internal dialogue might sound like this:

I could have made it work.

No, you couldn’t have.

If I would have appreciated his nice qualities, I could have made it work. But I’m ungrateful and impossible to please and now I’m left all alone.

You really tried. You wanted to get married. You spoke to people. It wasn’t right.

It doesn’t have to be “right.” He was objectively a good enough person for me to marry.

But at the time, you couldn’t and you need to trust that you did your best at that time.

How do I know for sure?

 

And on and on and on.

 

Sound familiar? I know I have definitely played these thoughts in my head in a torturous loop.

 

This is called emotional reasoning and it’s so powerful because your brain presents these pseudo-logical arguments that seem to make sense, making you feel progressively worse. Most of us can relate to this. It’s really hard. That doesn’t mean the voices are the voices of truth.

 

This idea of losing, then gaining, then losing clarity is addressed in Tehillim, Perek 22, where Dovid HaMelech seems to vacillate between confidence in Hashem’s salvation and fear that he will be abandoned to his enemies. It’s really hard to consistently hold onto clarity even once you’ve achieved it. 

 

I hesitate to take on the responsibility of guiding anyone definitively, but I really believe that if you did what you could with the tools you had at the time, you don’t need to worry that Hashem let you drop the ball. Jews don’t believe you miss a bus you were meant to take. Sure, you can work on getting out of the house earlier, going forward. But if you were not on that bus, you were not supposed to be on that bus. If you were, the bus would have been delayed for you.

 

When you are plagued by self-doubt or self-recrimination, acknowledge that you are stuck in the thought loop, and let it run itself out. Then remind yourself that Hashem loves you and is guiding your steps, and ask Him to stay by your side and give you clarity. 

 

One more thing: There is, perhaps, a shita that says that you should get married for the sake of getting married and not worry so much about looking for the right one. Maybe that works for some people. Some people isn’t most and it certainly isn’t all. My hunch is that if this was relevant to you, you wouldn’t have these questions, and you’d be married.

 

You can get through this. And you’re normal, and you’re doing your best, and you will get married b”eH.