The second of the top three challenges you shared in the survey was not having dates. We haven’t talked enough about that here, so let’s get into it.
When I was in my low 20’s, I had a conversation with one of my uncles about shidduchim. I was very down and said that no one was interested in me. He asked if I hadn’t had a date in a few weeks. I was like, “Try six months. Maybe more.” My uncle was stunned. (I took that as a compliment.) But yeah. I know the feeling of waiting months and months for someone to just be…interested in going out with you. And I know that many of you know the feeling of waiting years.
The first thing I want to say is that this is not any indication of your value as a human being. I know that hearing this from me doesn’t make it easier. But it still has to be said so that at least you hear it from someone.
The second thing I want to say is that this waiting period is a time to do things for yourself. As Dr. Seuss says about The Waiting Place, where people are “waiting around for a Yes or No”: “That’s not for you!” But seriously, there are many satisfying, gratifying, life-affirming, energizing, meaningful pursuits to devote yourself to that are worthwhile in their own right. The research indicates that working towards goals brings happiness. I want you to think of goals that are satisfying, gratifying, life-affirming etc. for YOU. One way to think about this is to ask yourself, “If I knew I had six months left to be single, what would I do?”
My third thought is that even though you may be waiting for a long time and it doesn’t seem as though any movement is happening, there is movement beneath the surface. Acorns need time to grow into oak trees, caterpillars to metamorphize into butterflies, and Prince Charming to search the kingdom high and low for the maiden who can fit the glass slipper. Just because it’s quiet now doesn’t mean your process is frozen. In the meantime, you are going to live a full, glorious, enviably rich life (see point #2 above). Because you are worthwhile and amazing the way you are right now, husband or no husband (see point #1 above). And I want you to know that.
