I just found a response by Debbie Greenblatt to the piece Mishpacha printed from my post, “The Third Option.”
To ‘Name Withheld’:
While I laud your perspective of rising above the fray to ‘choose you’, a more valid Torah-based approach would be to choose what Hashem would like of you in this difficult situation, as best as you can ascertain.
Every moment of a person’s life, whether they be man or woman, single or married has its own unique tafkid, a spiritual potential that can be actualized only then, and which isn’t coming back around again. It is hard to say that we should put a cap on development in any area for the sake of being more marketable. What that does is take the keys to shidduchim out of Hashem’s hands and put them in human hands. That is simply not the case. [I think this paragraph was actually a response to B.M.S., who said that girls should not pursue advanced careers, because it fits more with what he was saying.]
Every nisayon, and this is a huge one, is ultimately a test of our emunah. Hashem takes away from us something we need in our lives and He wants to see if we will turn to Him or blame the mothers, the picky boys, or the stock market for our situation.
Any discussion of shidduchim that leaves Hashem out of the picture is missing the point entirely. All of our societal and personal ailments have only one thing about them that we can say for certain, and that is this is they are the result of our being in galus, and galus is what results when we live our lives with anything other than HKB”H as the center of the picture.
This year (as in, this Jewish year), I’m trying to work on relationships, and specifically on trying not to do what John Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Defensiveness was definitely my first instinct in this case: “Wait, this was written in the context of a blog post which was written in the context of a blog, and I so always write about doing what Hashem wants you to do wherever you are in life — at least, I think I do — and anyway, [small voice], you don’t think I’m amazing?”
But on the second and third reading, I accept that I can always learn from the reminder: Any discussion of shidduchim that leaves Hashem out of the picture is missing the point entirely. Even a discussion about self-actualizing and living your best life and taking back the narrative. No, you should not be limited by society’s murmurings and foibles and injustices, but when you spread your wings to rise above it all, spread them l’shem Shomayim.
Here I must disagree with you. Of course we can often learn something from people’s comments, even incorrect ones. But in this case, it’s clear that you absolutely do put Hashem in the picture — Mrs. Greenblatt simply hadn’t read your blog post (and/or mixed you up with B.M.S. as you pointed out).
And another thing — yes, you are amazing! 🙂
Thank you so much for your very kind comment! I’m blushing 🙂