On Not Counting Dates, Again (Or, Leaf Rubbings)

Some of the most basic yet most helpful advice I got in shidduchim was to not count dates. I was in middle of a parsha and pressuring myself to come to a decision. A friend came over on Shabbos and told me to tell myself I had until Succos to make a decision (this was in June). At the time I laughed her off, but wise words those were.

 

I know many people who broke off a shidduch (some to come back around) because they weren’t “ready” to be up to a certain number date. I’d like to suggest that we all free ourselves from the somewhat arbitrary numbering system a lot of us are used to and allow dating relationships to develop at their own pace. I wonder how much anxiety we could collectively toss if we allowed dating decisions to make themselves in their own good time instead of being ruled by an externally-imposed system that might not work for many, many people.

 

Getting to know someone is like doing a leaf rubbing. At first, the image is faint and patchy. With time and patience, it comes into clearer focus.

 

If it takes time and patience to get to know someone before you can know if they are right for you, so be it. And if you invested a lot of time and they weren’t right after all? So you made a beautiful leaf rubbing (and so did they).

 

I think a big driver of decision-anxiety in shidduchim is a fear of letting the other person think you feel something you don’t. On that I have three thoughts: 1) every person signs an invisible heartbreak liability waiver the day they say yes to a shidduch suggestion 2) stay in your lane and focus on your own business – believe that the other party has the capacity to handle challenges thrown their way, including frustration and disappointment, and 3) tell them how you really feel. This might be brutally hard, but you can do hard things. Everyone in the picture will be better off with transparency and communication, and is free to decide where they stand and how long they want to continue dating. And…sometimes having a truly open discussion, like about feelings, can work magic on a relationship…

 

Here’s to keeping it real and taking it one day/date at a time!