On Loneliness

I’ve been in shidduchim for many years now, and there were times I was extremely lonely and times I wasn’t lonely at all. It depended on a few factors, including how interested I was in marriage, how many close friends were around, and what other fulfilling relationships — like new friends I made at work, or my extended family — were occupying my time and energy. Times I felt lonely were very, very hard.

 

Loneliness is the feeling we have when there is a mismatch between the amount of connection and intimacy we desire in our lives and how much we have. Loneliness and isolation have negative health effects, and are a great source of emotional distress (shocker). That is to say, loneliness matters.

 

Loneliness has been studied quite a bit, and interventions for loneliness have been tested. I did some reading because I wanted to be able to share something practical and actionable to utilize when you are feeling lonely.

 

One intervention that has been proven to be effective is…support groups! Support groups were effective at reducing feelings of loneliness and isolation whether they were provided in person, over the phone, or in an asynchronous online forum (i.e. message boards). I know inshidduchim.com used to be a forum for single women to connect and perhaps it’s time for someone to revisit the idea. I, for one, think it would be incredible to be able to connect with other women who are going through similar experiences, to share and learn from each other, not just about shidduchim but about LIFE. Who’s going to accept the challenge??

 

Another helpful intervention is CBT. CBT works by helping you identify the event or trigger that sets off a thought that results in negative feelings and behaviors that reinforce loneliness and isolation. For example, sometimes we have an inner critic that tells us we can only expect rejection, or that nothing will get better for us, and then we interpret our experiences through that lens. CBT helps de-automate this sequence and opens up space to take a look at the evidence to support or refute the thought. Like I tell my clients, it’s not about attacking the thought, it’s about meeting it with curiosity and opening it up to new perspectives or possibilities. The classic Feeling Good, by David Burns is a good introduction to CBT techniques you can use yourself (and looks like there is a new version, Feeling Great).

 

Finally, another suggestion is to focus on alleviating the loneliness of others, even just a little. Small actions that take us outside of ourselves, like saying hello to a person in Starbucks (remember indoor seating?) or sending a text to someone who needs a pick-me-up, are reinforcing and help to alleviate our own loneliness.

 

I hope this post is helpful. If you have more suggestions, or you just really relate to this feeling, please share in the comments. Have a wonderful day, and remember that I am always happy to hear from readers!