Last year I had written about how it can be hard to figure out who I am and to define myself in terms of spirituality and different standards. My guess is that this is a hard topic for many people. I have some thoughts…
(Just want to say, it’s hard to use specific examples as there are nuances in these areas and as I’ve mentioned, I don’t want to be the one to normalize something that is not up to your standards…so I’ll try to be clear without specific examples.)
What I’ve come up with is this: many of us have weaknesses/outlets that don’t live up to the Bais Yaakov/chareidi/yeshivish/frum/Torahdik labels we identify with. And that is probably very common and normal and part of being complex human beings, even if not ideal. And I think one’s identity lies more in how comfortable they are with publicizing these weaknesses than in what these weaknesses themselves are. Does that make sense? I don’t think discomfort is hypocrisy. I think it’s busha and a sign of yiras Shomayim.
Someone asked me if it would bother me if a guy did XYZ. I said, “If he’s keeping it to himself, it’s honestly none of my concern.” And maybe I’m crazy, but that’s what I’d want other people to say about me. You may have picked up that I’m not Mlle Clueless et Sheltered. The truth is, I don’t lay everything on the table when I meet a shadchan or when I go on a first date. Because the kind of person I’m looking for is not a person who thinks these things are no big deal, even if he can relate to my reality. Of course, in order to truly connect with someone, you need to be honest about where you’re holding and what kinds of activities you deem acceptable for yourself. But you can still hold an image in your head of an ideal and want to marry someone who shares that image.
Thank you for writing about this. I think some people struggle more with the cognitive dissonance part of this. If my ideal is not to do xyz, but I always do xyz with no intention of stopping, then who am I fooling? For example, unfortunately I speak lashon hara sometimes. When I do it I feel embarrassed about it, I resolve not to do it again, and I would never publicize that about myself. Is it part of my identity? No, because it’s something I reject and don’t want to do. But if I consistently indulge in an outlet, and it’s not something I want to stop doing because it really is a healthy outlet for me, even if ideally I wouldn’t need it, and I enjoy it and want to do it again and don’t feel that it’s a bad thing for me at my stage of life – then it’s part of me, not something to be embarrassed of and not something to hide. In that case, the only reason not to be upfront about it with a shadchan or on a first date is because you’re running the risk that the person just won’t understand your reality and will judge you wrongly for it. But that’s just a pragmatic reason.
Very well said! I think that not sharing upfront for pragmatic reasons is very valid; even if you understand your reasons for needing certain things, you don’t need to share right away if the other person doesn’t have a context in which to understand it.
So so true, this post and the comments. Chavi, your example is so real to life, and A Friend, I wholeheartedly agree but in even stronger terms. Not only do you not need to share right away, you should NOT do so. Exactly because that person (the shadchan, acquaintances of yours, the person you just starting dating, whomever…) has not nearly enough context to understand, they also cannot have anywhere near enough recognition of who YOU truly are. People (and relationships with them) are not things that can be understood from an essay about them or knowledge of facts, but only through interaction, connection, communication and more. This requires time and interest. You cannot and should not expose your weaker points right away to anyone, even if you know them to be true. It isn’t just a risk, it is a mistake. There will be time for more openness and honesty as a relationship develops, and then you must share.