One of the top three dating struggles you shared in the survey was the fear that there is something wrong with you or that you are doing something wrong in shidduchim.
Let’s try to put that fear to rest.
Several years ago I listened to a shiur by Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker on emunah in shidduchim (it was live on a Shabbos, so sadly no recording). The following concept is something she gave over from the Chiddushei Harim:
Before your soul came down to this earth, it was given access to a heavenly chamber called the Otzar Hatzlamim. There your soul chose all its life circumstances, selecting those that would allow it to beautify itself through its earthly sojourn. And then your soul came down here and you (as your body) are living the life it chose in order to become more beautiful. And although you do not know the end of the story, your soul does, and it is happy with the end.
So that’s how you came to be here.
Now, of course you try to find “teva” reasons for why you’re single. Like, is it because of attachment issues? Difficulty being vulnerable? Being too picky or particular? The fear that there’s something you’re doing or not doing that’s keeping you single weighs on you constantly.
However, plenty of people with attachment issues are married. Plenty of people with difficulty being vulnerable are married. Plenty of people who were way pickier and more particular than you are married. So there must be more to the story than a simple cause-and-effect relationship between effort and results.
The truth is that no one knows why some people struggle in shidduchim and others don’t. NO ONE. It is not an earthly matter. It is a lofty, spiritual matter removed from the intellect of man. If you are single it is because those are the circumstances that create the necessary environment for your soul to shine. You can’t be expected to know why. No one knows why.
Along the road to the chuppah, Hashem gives us opportunities to reach greater self-understanding, greater integration, greater closeness to Him and to our highest selves. But these opportunities should not be viewed as traffic tickets or even toll booth fees for traveling Shidduch Highway. They’re not punishments or a sign that Hashem thinks we’re unworthy of marriage before we shape up. These opportunities are gifts given with love for the good of our eternal souls.
It might take time for this belief to penetrate all the clamor and noise and layers of judgment/self-judgment. It’s still the truth. My tefillah for you and me is that we will be able to feel this more and more strongly and often for as long as we travel Shidduch Highway.
