I hadn’t been following the Mishpacha serial Stand By, but this Shabbos I picked up a back-issue Family First and read Miriam Pascal Cohen’s follow-up piece, about the way our community views single women. Did you read it? I find it sooo satisfying and validating when women share their experiences without mincing words. Some of the issues pointedly addressed in the article: pay discrimination(!!!!), patronizing comments, intrusive questions…yes, yes, YES! We all need to continue being really clear and communicative about the reality of what we experience. It’s okay to make people uncomfortable by holding up a mirror. And, a great response when you feel whopped by a hurtful or inappropriate question, comment, or action is to ask sweetly for an explanation: “What do you mean by that?” “Can you explain why this event is for married women only?”
It’s been really tough for so, so long but I think — I think — it might start getting better.
Umm so I’ve actually tried the “Can you explain why this is only for married people?” line. (It was not a shiur or event.) And I actually got a response. But it was a horrifying response. The person on the other line had the guts to give an explanation that basically said that married people are more responsible, trustworthy, etc. and so she wouldn’t do business with someone who is not yet married. And she thinks it is acceptable to not only think this but to also say it out loud. (I’m still shaking to think of this story years later.)
I don’t think I’ll try that line again. I would try to say, “Oh (pause) I don’t view people the same way you do. I’ll take my business elsewhere.” (And it will hopefully come out smoothly and confidently so they’ll feel taken aback that I’m secure and don’t feel a need to desperately ask again and/or beg for their help.)
Omg, I’m horrified reading this!! We have so much work to do!! I’m so sorry you had to experience that, I know how these conversations can make you go cold even years later, even when you know full well the other person was totally out of line. (Over three years ago someone asked me if I “really try” when I’m dating someone, and I truly don’t think I’ll ever get over the level of onaas devarim. She also did not apologize when someone called her out, and doubled down on it. Having a hard time comprehending what people are thinking.)