I am trying to come up with the right word to describe the part of the journey I am at now. Is it a stuck place? I thought that might be it. But I keep turning this question over, and though I don’t see a clear path before me, I also don’t really feel stuck. Am I simply resting, bobbing on the water? At the place of doing nothing?
Here’s an inventory-ish of what’s going on right now. I finished my three years of clinical experience and can now take my LCSW exam, which I am studying for. I still work 40 hours a week at my day job, and teach college courses (one per semester) on the side. This school year, I have an MSW intern until May. After May, will I look for a new job? I am finishing up my PhD coursework with one final class this spring and then I will be “off” of school for the summer which will be my first summer not taking a graduate course since 2018. In the fall iy”H I will start my dissertation proposal phase.
That’s pretty much it as far as the structure of my life. I guess it’s a fair bit of structure right there, but I still have these existential questions of what is the meaning of my life as an individual? What am I supposed to be contributing and am I doing that? Where am I going with all this? Where am I aiming?
Such questions, and I have pondered and not felt that I’ve gotten closer to the answers.
So I suppose I’m wandering a bit. Not really lost, as I do know what the immediate next steps are, but having lost sight of the horizon.
Hatzlacha with the LCSW exam!
I hear you and feel somewhat similarly to what you describe, but I go very back and forth on this. Sometimes I wonder if as Torah Jews, we take for granted that we automatically have meaning in our lives? Like the answer is supposed to be to live a life of Torah and Mitzvos and keep growing and learning to the best of our abilities? But I feel like that’s not enough of an answer.
I feel like you should have better answers than me though 🙂 because you’ve taken so many courses (Rabbi Nivin?) and you seem to be very introspective and self-aware.
Thank you!
I feel the same way. I know the “correct” answer, so to speak, is that the point of life is to serve Hashem and to keep growing…but like you, that answer doesn’t feel sufficient for my current situation. It could be that what’s “next” for me is to learn how to let go and be led, and learn to be okay with not knowing the answer to my questions.
I also appreciate that you brought up Rabbi Nivin’s course. I only did the Elul mini-course (twice) but he taught the concepts of yiud, tikun, and tafkid and these are all good things to reflect on.
Sometimes being is enough. It’s not about “being productive” or “making a difference” or “contributing”. There’s value to being.
An elderly person who has passed all three stages still can have a meaningful life.
On the deepest level, every little Mitzvah is meaningful in a deep way that goes far beyond all of our obvious accomplishments. And yes, simply existing in this world is also a tikkun.
Right and I totally agree. “Simply existing in this world is also a tikkun.” Love that.
I think what I’m trying to capture here is less about being productive and more about feeling like I’m moving towards something. Not in an accomplishments sort of way but more like a sense of being on a personally meaningful journey. As opposed to just being, which I totally agree is inherently meaningful but is feeling kind of, I don’t know, maybe empty?
“Simply existing in this world” is a tikkun, yes, but if my potential is to not simply exist but to also do more than that, then I’m not fulfilling my potential by simply existing.
And I agree about feeling like I’m moving towards something.
A few months back, I wrote a little post about feeling a sense of meaning, but struggling to find a sense of purpose, and I think that’s the distinction here. And I have to say it’s nice to not feel alone in this!