My Theory of Shidduchim

Over the years, I’ve taken a fair number of courses and workshops and listened to speeches and read books about shidduchim. And of course gotten lots and lots of advice (mostly unsolicited). I’ve heard my share of “What do you have to do to be married in six months?” and “You just have to decide that you’re going to give your next date your all.” And I’ve tried this and that and therapy and journaling and letting go and deciding that I am ready to do whatever it takes etc etc and here I am today (single).

 

A little while ago I read an exchange on a parenting forum that was something to the effect of “I practice gentle parenting and my (two small children) have amazing behavior” and others responded, “That’s nice, come back to us when you have a houseful of teenagers and let us know if you’re still taking the credit for your parenting then.”

 

Evidently, some believe there is a formula for parenting to get the outcomes you want, or a formula for navigating shidduchim to get the outcomes you want. How comfortable would that be. Based on my experiences and observations, I don’t think this is the case.

 

To me, the task of parenting is to become the person and do the things that are most likely to lead to positive outcomes for your children. The emphasis is on you doing your part, and not on the outcomes. Parenting creates a context for you to become a better person, by learning and applying and maturing. The hope is that you’ll have a positive relationship with your children and they’ll grow into happy, productive, well-adjusted members of society — but your children are separate people from you. Therefore, what ultimately happens with them is not in your control.

 

So my theory of shidduchim (which you know by now if you’ve been reading this blog for awhile) is that your task is to focus on the things that will help you develop as the partner you want to be and make it reasonably likely that you can meet and get to know someone. Beyond that, you simply can’t worry about what will “get” you married. That involves another person (for starters) and much as we’d love to discover the magic formula, it is not in our control. As in parenting, you put your heart in and do what you can, and then don’t take the credit or the blame.

 

You’ll hear threats to this belief system constantly. Everyone wants to know why you’re not married, and how we can change that. That makes you wonder what they know that you don’t, and think there’s something wrong with you. It can be helpful to keep grounding yourself in this belief: my task in this situation is to grow and develop as I can in these areas. That is the part I can choose to work on. And I let go of outcomes. I won’t take the credit, and I don’t take the blame.