Hi, all. Happy zos Chanukah.
I have to start off with a confession: at this point, I’m all-in as a Mishpacha reader — so many fires to put out…
Several weeks ago, the magazine ran an essay written by a single woman. The gist of it was that just as idealistic young women will abandon the chinuch field for more lucrative/rewarding positions, they will abandon the shidduch process in order to avoid its indignities.
I posted a response: namely, you can live your best life without making shidduchim the center of it, and you also have every reason to believe that with Hashem’s help you will meet your bashert at the right time. An excerpt from my post was printed in Mishpacha — doctored beyond recognition, I may add, but a girl can try.
The discussion rages on and I’ve got the itch to respond to all the other responses, but I have to pick my battles. Just kidding. Here we go:
(I suggest you first open up batch one and batch two of the responses.)
To R.S.: You write that your friends who have a few years of higher education behind them are now contemplating careers they assumed they could never pursue, yet they face judgment for their choices when it comes to shidduchim. I think you should encourage your friends to do what they need to do to be healthy, optimistic, and fulfilled. Someone special will appreciate what each one brings to the table. I wouldn’t worry so much about the word on the street. Your friend needs one (1) chosson.
To A Shadchan Who’s Trying: First of all, thanks for trying! Second of all, I think you should know that the suggestion to “widen your pool” may seem benign, but can be a difficult and often painful prospect for many singles to face. Heard in this well-meant suggestion is a judgment and a prophecy: you are too picky, and you will not get the chosson of your dreams. What you can do instead is suggest shidduchim that match the core qualities a young woman tells you she needs, and explain why you think the suggestion might be right for her. People generally come to a clearer understanding of what they need in a shidduch as they grow and develop, and the willingness to try a variety of styles/packages/whatever tends to develop organically. Hold the lectures and offer compassion, please.
To Seen Enough: I just really, really, really dislike the phrase “good boys.” Every boy is good. Every boy is great! Every neshama is very special. I know you didn’t coin it, it’s part of the vernacular, but please, please can we stop using such judge-y, reductive descriptors? Even in the context in which you use it, to defend boys who may have been dealt with unfairly, it perpetuates the casual usage of hurtful language. Also, a single man and woman who are holding in different places when they start shidduchim may eventually grow and develop into a perfect match for each other with time. Don’t fret. What’s meant to be will be.
(For some reason, the names weren’t published in the online version of the second batch of responses, and one whole response is missing, so I’m working off the print version but have linked to the online version where possible.)
To B.M.S.: You believe that single women should not pursue advanced careers because it is a turn-off to men. Maybe to some men, but others can respect it and would be very happy to go out with someone who is fulfilled and fully engaged with life in the right way for her. You need to do what works for you, and so does everyone else.
To A bochur who’s nearing the parsha: First of all, loads of hatzlacha and clarity. Second of all, I’m not sure where you’re getting your information (other bochurim who are nearing the parsha?) but rest assured that plenty of bnos Yisroel are interested in going out with guys who did not “[take] the alef train to the end of the line” or who “‘flipped out.'” There are all kinds of girls just as there are all kinds of guys. Please don’t generalize or assign blame. Sometimes people need to hear certain things in order to want to go out with someone. This can change over time. I think that’s a point a lot of people are missing so I’d like you to become aware of that before you start shidduchim.
To A woman who sees both sides: You write that your family members, who are working bnei Torah, are constantly facing rejection. You are absolutely right that no one has a monopoly on pain. I don’t know what circles these young men move in or who they are networking with, but plenty of women would be interested in going out with working bnei Torah. It’s hard to hear this, but I’m really sure that the right shidduch just hasn’t been suggested yet.
To A.M. Nayvee: You write that the “good boys” sought by Seen Enough (see above) are actually the “normal boys” living out of town. If there’s one phrase I dislike more than “good boys,” it’s “normal boys.” I just need to get that off my chest. WE ARE ALL DOING OUR BEST AND EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT AND YES, WE HAVE PROBLEMS/FLAWS/CHALLENGES IN OUR YESHIVA/SHIDDUCH/LIFESTYLE SYSTEM BUT PLEASE DON’T EVER IMPLY THAT YOUR FELLOW JEW WHO IS DOING WHAT THEY CAN AND WHAT THEY KNOW IS “LESS THAN” OR “NOT NORMAL.”
Thanks, Mishpacha, for inspiring the first true rant on this blog in its almost three years.
