Back when I posted the survey (Pesach time), someone asked if I could write about my relationship with my younger married sister. At the time I wasn’t ready to share but now more time has passed and I would like to. I’ll begin with where we are today which is:
Our relationship is completely normal (thank You, Hashem!! more below) as in the kind of relationship I would expect to have had with her if I’d gotten married before her.
I love her baby. I have a warm and friendly relationship with her husband.
It took time to get here.
When she started shidduchim, about a year before she got engaged, I had a very hard time. I was really scared. I felt like I had failed at something and if she got married before me it would be official. The fear eased up a bit when she didn’t get engaged the second she met her first guy. It returned when she was dating her husband. I recognize now that I would have benefited from having a therapist to talk to because I was really carrying so much pain alone, but I didn’t, and it was hard. I told a couple of friends and they were really supportive, which definitely helped some. I also have another younger sister between me and the one who was getting engaged, so we had each other. This was definitely helpful and I’m very, very grateful for that.
My sister didn’t want to hurt me and she didn’t want things to work out the way they did but it wasn’t her choice. I wasn’t gracious and I wasn’t nasty (recollections may differ). I just tried to get through it.
There were moments during the engagement when I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed her vort. Really. I like hostessing at parties and it was a busy night full of hellos and goodbyes. I also like to make lists and I made this awesome master shopping list for her apartment, and it was really fun. There were other times when I checked out. I didn’t want to hear about her gown or wigs.
I had fun at her wedding because it was fun. The band was great, I loved how I looked, my friends came…it was a beautiful night.
Sheva brachos and the next several months were challenging and awkward. I didn’t feel the acute pain I had in the beginning but I felt an ache for a long time. And I was resentful. And I wasn’t so nice.
I started to get more used to having her be married and to being at my parents with her and her husband for Shabbos. And then to the fact that she was expecting. Our relationship started to feel normal-ish but there was a barrier.
About a year ago I asked her and her husband for some help with a couple shidduch suggestions. Her response was not meant to be hurtful but she wrote that he’d tried to talk to those guys a few times and he was uncomfortable about trying again. I was hurt and I also felt stupid (really this was the main thing). I was mad at her. I decided she wasn’t sensitive to what I was going through and never had been. It brought up all my quasi-dormant resentment at her and her husband. For a few months I basically ignored them/snubbed them when I had to be around them. They saw. I didn’t want to forgive them.
By that time I had connected with a therapist. I was able to talk this through. She acknowledged the hurt starting from the beginning of the saga and encouraged me to communicate how I felt very directly. I wrote my sister an open, honest and non-attacking text acknowledging her discomfort and stating what I needed. And she wrote back, and she apologized for my hurt feelings. And I kid you not, since the day we cleared the air, our relationship has been completely normal. It’s like something that was holding onto so much hurt was able to melt away once the hurt was acknowledged.
So now I am obviously a big fan of open, direct communication using vulnerability and I-statements.
But anyway. It was a journey. It took about two and a half years to come back together. I’m very grateful to be where we are.
I know family and sibling dynamics are different for everyone and your story may look very different. But if I can be a help at all, please reach out to me by email or in the comments. This is a very specific type of experience and I know how helpful having support can be. Send your friends to email me, too. I want to pay it forward.
If you have any other questions about what I wrote here, feel free to ask.
