Motion

One of my favorite books from the past year or so was Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, by Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s about creativity and authenticity and how to use your ideas, and I recommend it to anyone, not just creative types. This quote was particularly inspiring:

 

“If you can’t do what you long to do, go do something else. Go walk the dog, go pick up every bit of trash on the street outside your home, go walk the dog again, go bake a peach cobbler, go paint some pebbles with brightly colored nail polish and put them in a pile. You might think it’s procrastination, but – with the right intention – it isn’t; it’s motion. And any motion whatsoever beats inertia, because inspiration will always be drawn to motion.”

 

Right away, this made me think about shidduchim and the stuckness I feel sometimes when things don’t seem to be moving anywhere. I’ve written before about the struggle to maintain the right balance of hishtadlus — not too much or too little — and I really like this conception of hishtadlus as motion. Not that hishtadlus brings results in and of itself (it doesn’t), but that it creates openness and opportunity for change to happen. I’ve been taught that hishtadlus done for the right reasons (i.e. because Hashem requires it, not because we rely on it) is a mitzvah. So feeding the hishtadlus-fire is a matter of continuously doing things for the right reasons that create positive motion, whether or not the motion takes you to the desired results in the desired time frame.

 

Hishtadlus includes spiritual, emotional, physical, and practical motion. (I just want to add here that although I really don’t believe you need to obsess over your physical appearance in order to get married, sometimes doing something new or different to change up your look is just good for you because it makes you feel better about life, and that is definitely positive motion.)

 

Tefillah gets its own paragraph here because at the end of the day, we all know that this is what it’s about. Tefillah is the number one form of hishtadlus in shidduchim and it really can create change.

 

Some other ideas:

• doing something as a zechus with friends, like davening for each other or learning together
• working on improving kavanah by learning a book like Praying With Fire
• learning hilchos shmiras haloshon
• updating your shidduch resume
• developing your elevator pitch so it is as authentic as you can get it without feeling ridiculous 🙂
• getting the contact info of a shadchan
• contacting the shadchan
• meeting the shadchan (yes, each of these three steps is a separate act of hishtadlus in my book)
• making a new friend
• telling the new friend what you are looking for
• telling an old friend what you are looking for
• going away for Shabbos or Y”T and meeting new/old people
• going to a new shiur or exercise class and meeting new/old people
• buying new makeup
• learning how to apply makeup
• getting a manicure/pedicure/blow dry or anything that makes you feel pretty
• shopping for new clothes, especially clothes you want to wear on a date
• getting new frames
• renewing your passport
• whitening your teeth
• getting to bed earlier so you are in a better mood
• eating better lunches at work
• going for walks
• getting a massage
• any creative outlet that helps you release tension
• doing something fun and different that’s out of your comfort zone
• keeping a wedding notebook
• adding to your Stash
• writing Perspectives, letters to your chosson, or anything else that helps you believe and be positive
• working with a coach to figure out how to navigate dating or deal with roadblocks
• working with a therapist to become the best person you can be in all areas
• taking a class about dating/marriage/relationships
• reading a book about dating/marriage/relationships
• getting to know yourself and doing inner work (like this, or any of the numerous options out there)
• learning about how men and women are different

 

Basically, the idea is to set yourself in motion and keep yourself in motion as much as possible. It’s not possible all the time, and sometimes, it’s not the time at all, but most of the time, you can do something. I think it’s also important to remember to keep things at a slow burn, and not to try to do everything perfectly all at once. Hishtadlus is not about results. Hishtadlus is about trying because Hashem requires us to try.

 

What would you add to this list? Any thoughts? Agree/disagree that hishtadlus = motion?