Hey, all, hope you’re well. I recently listened to a segment of this Headlines podcast episode, specifically the interview with Tova Weinstein at 1:13:46, and I was cheering every word! I am so grateful to Tova for publicly saying what I (and I’m sure many other women) have been feeling. The points she makes:
- No matter what assurances people give, pictures are shared, not just among mothers but among guys themselves. This is both a tznius issue and it objectifies women (let me emphasize that one again — however you feel about sharing your own picture, this practice as a whole completely objectifies women, especially in a society where it has been the norm for many years not to portray women in publications — whether or not your agree with that practice, which is a separate topic. The hypocrisy of being too frum to picture women in a magazine and then to insist that shidduch pictures is proper hishtadlus…).
- Although there are ladies who are okay with sharing their picture, there are thousands who are not and who went through an educational system that trained them from a young age to guard their tznius, and then suddenly when it comes to shidduchim, the system turns on them and demands that they share their looks with the world. Many girls are very disillusioned by a society that treats them this way (I would add, that betrays and abandons them this way).
- It’s unfair to put the onus on girls to stop sharing pictures if they don’t want to; they are under tremendous pressure to do it (i.e. threats of not being set up with anyone). Change has to come from society as a whole and specifically from the boys’ side of things.
- Attraction is a sum total of a human being that cannot be assessed from a picture.
Preach it, sister!
What are your thoughts?
Thanks for this great synopsis and perspective!
Not really sure if this is the right place to pose this question, but I suppose it is related to the “shidduch picture debate:”
I have pushed off setting up a LinkedIn account for the longest time, figuring that something about it feels distinctively non favorable for shidduchim… I’d like to be as non-googleable as possible, thank you very much. Let the people do their research instead of making snap judgments based on my professional profile…
HOWEVER, I have heard many times over that LinkedIn is really very important in creating professional connections and job hunting. (Obviously considering a profile without a pic). Curious if anyone out here on this little corner of the internet is also in shidduchim + a professional, and can speak to this?
Great question. I had one and then I deleted it for that reason, but I think I may reactivate my account now that I am starting a new profession as I think it will probably be a good idea in terms of networking.
I have one without a picture, although I haven’t yet found it useful at all. I joined a few different groups on LinkedIn and one boy told me he almost didn’t go out with me because of one of them! (it was one I joined by mistake, with an off-putting name) But in general I don’t mind being googleable. You do exist and it’s the same thing you have on your resume – job, previous jobs, education. Also if you pay for premium you can see who viewed your profile 🙂 🙂
I might put a picture on LinkedIn if I was actively using it for job searching. I also don’t mind the idea of shidduch pictures, with two caveats
– it goes both ways. Boys who want pictures should send pictures too
– it’s a simple low resolution headshot. Not a full body/glamorous piece of art to zoom in and critique every last hair. It does give over some idea of the person. It doesn’t objectify you or breach your tznius imo
(and yeah the hypocrisy is over the top.)
I’m actually not opposed to professional headshots for professional purposes. I have one and it’s on my agency’s website and if anyone wants to make it their business to find it, I won’t try to stop them. As you say, I do have a life outside shidduchim. I think context is everything here. Under most circumstances, a picture of a woman should not be objectifying. However, when it’s not a choice to share it, and it is being used to quantify her value (It is.), that is dehumanizing and objectifying in my opinion. Agency is extremely important. Being forced to do something you really, really don’t want to do but feel compelled to do against your will deeply undermines your boundaries and your ability to assert yourself in the future. If anyone is comfortable sending, by all means go ahead. But if you’re not, know this is a battle worth fighting because it is about a lot more than your picture.