Okaaay, folks! We’re back in business. Over the next few weeks, I am be”H going to be working on a series of posts on mindful dating. I brainstormed a list of topics about the stress and anxiety of the shidduch process, and I’m hoping to address them all in this series. You might relate to some or all or none of these topics, but I’m hoping that through this series, my readers will feel validated and supported and maybe gain some helpful tools and perspectives. I’m writing this after having struggled a fair bit over the years with feelings around dating. I enthusiastically welcome feedback, questions and suggestions!
The first topic is…suggestion-dread. This is my umbrella term that includes any dread, fear, panic, anxiety, nausea, sadness, disappointment, or overwhelm that is triggered by either getting or the prospect of getting new/old shidduch suggestions.
What triggers those feelings? Some thoughts:
-You don’t feel ready to date or get married and every suggestion is a source of stress — whether because you have to come up with reasons to say no, or agree to date against your best interests, or avoid people, or get into tussles with loved ones, or feel frustrated with yourself etc.
-You keep hearing the same suggestions over and over and believe in a corner of your heart that maybe there’s no one else left for you.
-You keep hearing suggestions that are not right for you and think that no one will ever be right for you. Or that you must be the pickiest, most unreasonable person in the world. Or that no one around you understands you or will ever understand you.
–You struggle with saying no. You feel compelled to say yes to make people happy or because you don’t trust yourself to say no for whatever the “right” reasons are — and then dating basically becomes a punishment for trying to do the right thing.
So first, I just want to say that I feel you. Suggestion-dread is real. Shidduch suggestions can trigger a waterfall of thoughts and emotions. I have so been there. I’m still there at times.
What I have done over the past few years is focus on creating a space between me and the suggestion. (Suggestion is suuuch a long word, lol). In that space, I have room to maneuver. I can reconnect to who I am, what I need, and what I want. In that space, I can 1) challenge the cognitive distortions about me or about what’s “available” out there and 2) come to a decision that is right for me.
If there’s space between you and the suggestion, you can see the wide world beyond this one moment. You can reassure the fearful thoughts, “The right person will come. It doesn’t have to happen today for it to be happening,” “People are limited in their understanding of me. Hashem understands,” “I need something specific and that’s okay,” “Everything happens at the right time,” “This experience is a kapparah, it is not my entire reality.” If there’s no space, then this one shidduch suggestion is all there is. If he’s not for you, that means no one’s for you. If you can’t date him now, you’re throwing away your one chance at marriage. If you heard of the same guy five times this month and no one else, there’s no one else out there. (Btw, these are the cognitive distortions of overgeneralization and emotional reasoning).
How to create this space?
Through mindfulness (this series is called mindful dating, after all). I know that term is tired and overused. But true, simple, straightforward mindfulness can change your brain and help you be in each moment with presence and peace. What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is the state of being open to and aware of the present moment without attaching judgment or meaning to it. It is the state of being able to say, “Oh. I see. This is what I am thinking.” An abundance of mindfulness resources are available out there if you want to make this a part of your life. The idea is to practice experiencing and being present with your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations and observing them as a neutral onlooker.
A good start is a basic breathing exercise. My field supervisor taught me one: Sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Breathe naturally and then take a deep, diaphragmatic breath. Hold for a few seconds. Exhale for twice as long as the inhale until your lungs are emptied out. Repeat for a total of three breaths. Then breathe naturally again. Feel your body. Notice your thoughts. Just be.
If you’re the crafting kind, you can also make a glitter jar and practice slowly breathing and observing the glitter fall to the bottom, noticing what that feels like and being in the moment with your breath and the glitter.
Practicing mindfulness is the first step. It will help you stay with the unpleasant feelings, the fears, the stress, and not let it overtake you and define your experience. It takes practice — lots of it. Which is okay. Because anything worthwhile takes work. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Over the hours and days and weeks, your brain will change.
I am looking forward to continuing this series. Feel free to make suggestions or ask questions in the comments. Have a great day 🙂 .
