Hi, everyone. I hope you’re doing well.
Continuing on with our series on mindful dating: shidduch research, everyone’s favorite activity. In this post I’ll give a few practical suggestions but mostly I’ll focus on you and your feelings during the research stage of a shidduch.
So as with any aspect of shidduchim, getting a guy’s resume and going through the research process can make you feel a lot of feelings, like anxious, hopeful, excited, annoyed, euphoric, cynical, or frustrated. People who aren’t in this process might think it can only be a wonderful and positive experience to have someone interested in a date with you, but you and I know the truth: it can be challenging.
It might be helpful to remember a couple things:
1) When you have someone’s resume in hand, you don’t owe them, you are not on a date with them, you are not committing to them, and you are not married to them. You are putting out feelers and learning about them. Based on what you learn, you are deciding whether to date them (more on this below). That is all.
2) The image you have based on the research may or may not be accurate, so if you ultimately decide to meet the person (based on your research; I am not advocating saying yes to everyone who comes along), you may be surprised in either a positive or negative way. So the idea is to be open to that possibility and not stake all your hopes on this one person, or alternatively, not assume at the outset that they will probably just disappoint you. More like take a neutral stance and observe what happens on the date(s). Mindfulness and presence.
Some tips for doing research:
-Get someone to help you who preferably has experience or a real feel for this kind of thing and who gets you and what you are looking for. I have a few people who help me out at different times, in addition to my parents.
-Let the people you call just give a narrative without asking questions at first. Listen to what they say and what they don’t say.
-Listen for consistency across references.
-Listen out for “blow-offs.” For example, if you need someone very smart and the reference says, “What, you want brilliant? How brilliant is the girl already?” (let’s just say), press further.
-Definitely ask about anything that concerns you: gaps or inconsistencies on the resume, a previous marriage — yes, you can ask for as many details as you need in order to be comfortable, a lack of clarity about what the person is currently doing, who the references are…
-If you have a lot of dating disappointment and burnout, get someone to support you through the process who will “pamper” you, like a friend who will take over the research and tell you her thoughts. Give yourself a present for being willing to open up this door yet again even though it may mean further disappointment.
How to decide whether to say yes?
I have erred on the side of saying yes and erred on the side of saying no and I think it comes down to deciding if the person ticks enough boxes on the score sheet, or more holistically, if the prospect of meeting them feels pleasant. I do think you can trust yourself to make this call (and if you’ve dated more than a handful of guys, you can make this call). And remember that you are a unique individual looking for a unique individual. A lot of guys are going to sound wrong because they are wrong. You’re not crazy if you go a long time without getting a yes from someone who sounds right for you. I’m not a proponent of forcing yourself to go on dates because “he sounds normal.” Girl, if the bar was set at normal, you wouldn’t be dating anymore. You need someone who’s right for you. Not just normal.
What if you really, really don’t know if you should say yes? Because nothing seems right but nothing seems wrong?
Then it comes down to your energy level and what you can do at the time. And as a friend reminds me, you can run this by a rav or mentor. If you’re feeling brittle and overwhelmed and a bad date will push you over the edge, then the answer is probably no. If you’re up for taking a chance, then the answer is probably yes. If you don’t know what you’re up for, stop worrying about dates and get back in touch with yourself.
I hope these suggestions will help alleviate the at-times overwhelming feelings that get triggered at this point in the shidduch process! The next post in this series will talk about pre-first date anxiety. Thank you for reading! Please share this information with anyone who might find it helpful!
