So far we looked at suggestion-dread and shidduch research. I wanted to talk a bit about anxiety before a first date because that used to knock me flat. It’s a lot easier for me now but still not always a picnic.
When I use the term anxiety here, I don’t mean it lightly: dating really triggers situational anxiety in many people (not just shidduch daters!). This anxiety can manifest as an inability to focus or think about anything else, trouble sleeping or eating, nervous energy, or irritability. A couple ways to work with anxiety are the bottom-up and top-down approaches. Bottom-up approaches engage the body and lower brain functioning to soothe the anxiety. Techniques include things like deep breathing, meditation (such as with the Headspace app), progressive muscle relaxation or deep pressure, like giving yourself tight hugs or getting a massage (and absolutely, first date jitters are a great reason to treat yourself to a massage).
Top-down approaches engage your thoughts — your higher brain functioning. One way to do this is to dump all your fearful or negative thoughts about the upcoming date on a page. Start writing and keep writing until you’re really out of ideas. This will help you unearth subconscious thoughts that you didn’t realize you had running in the background. Some of these might be, “Even if I like him, he definitely won’t like me because xyz.” “He’ll like me and I won’t like him and I’ll have to hurt/disappoint him/get into a fight with the shadchan/my parents/myself.” “I have to be myself on this date/I’m never myself on dates/I don’t know how to be myself on dates.” “What if I like him, he likes me, and we get engaged – I know I won’t be a good wife/mother/homemaker and he’ll reject me.” “I don’t even like the idea of marriage because xyz.”
Once your thoughts are laid out like that you can take a good look at them. Are any of them automatic, negative beliefs about the future that have no evidence to support them (hint: no one has evidence about what will happen in the future)? You can offer yourself some more realistic, positive, helpful thoughts to focus on instead, such as “I have plenty of mutually positive relationships — if I like him, chances are good that he will like me, too.” “If this doesn’t work out for me, I have the right to say no and I trust that I (and he) have the ability to withstand this disappointment.” Note that automatic negative thinking patterns are developed over time as a result of our environment (basically, we learn from others — family, community, society — how to think) and they won’t be unraveled all at once. Over time, practicing noticing and responding to negative thoughts will make a difference.
Sometimes our anxious thoughts about dating have important information for us if we dig deeper, such as an underlying fear or negative view of marriage. It may seem easier in the short run to try and keep those fears under a tarp and keep going out with people because that’s what everyone is doing at your age, but to truly care for yourself and do yourself a favor in the long run, it is definitely worth talking to someone about these feelings.
Some other tips:
-Anxious and excited feel the same in the body. You can relabel your anxiety as excitement! “I’m so excited to meet someone new!”
-Fill your schedule the day of the date so you’re busy and distracted.
–Write yourself a letter before the date to give yourself encouragement no matter what happens.
Share what helps you before a first date!
