Sorry it’s been awhile — I’ve been very distracted and busy with school (plenty to say on that a different time…) but I just spotted something on the coffee table that I had to comment on.
We have the Family First in my house this week. I noticed the cover feature. Can non-maternal women succeed at motherhood?
Full disclosure: This is a response to the question (and to the fact that it was even posed), not a response to the content of the article. I’d have to read it in order to write one, and no can do. (I don’t mean to come off as super-critical, I just lack the head space right now.)
Ok.
The verb “succeed” has no connection to motherhood. Motherhood is not one long SAT. I’m not a mother, but I have one, and I could be one, and I know this is true. Motherhood is an ever-evolving identity, one of many identities, that belongs to an ever-evolving human being. In general, the healthier and more emotionally developed the human being, the better able she is to tune into, empathize with, and support the people around her. Including her children. And if she doesn’t feel she can do these things, she can learn how. She can talk to someone (like, maybe me in a couple of years 🙂 ). She can get in touch with and develop parts of herself. Because she chooses to and because it will make her happier and more whole. Not because motherhood is a competitive sport and not because there’s one type of person “best” suited to be a mother that we all need to emulate.
Every personality type is capable of being a fabulous parent. I’d recommend learning about secure attachment. And I’d venture to suggest that if you don’t think you have what it takes to be a mother, it’s not your personality, it’s your experiences and the messages you have absorbed about your capabilities.
Now the thing that gets me about this question is, why does our world have this compulsive need to make everything binary? I see it a lot with shidduchim. Long-term or short-term. Learning or working. Sheltered or worldly. So now it’s…succeed or fail? Mother-material or not?
Life doesn’t work like that. Forgive me, but we’re not a bunch of amoebas. We are complex beings who change all the time and are even capable of recreating ourselves.
(And if the article did indeed address all these concerns, my deepest apologies.)
What are your thoughts? Wishing everyone a good Shabbos and an easy fast!
