Most (if not all) of us have met or worked with professional shadchanim over the years. I personally have done quite a bit of that, and I’ve had…a variety of experiences. (Don’t get me wrong; some of them have been wonderful).
I’ve had this post in the works for a while but I’m finally putting it up here. These are some tips for working with shadchanim in a healthy and productive way:
- Remember that shidduchim are made in all kinds of ways. Meeting and following up with shadchanim is part of most people’s normal hishtadlus, but you are not dependent on any one person or organization to help you, even if it feels that way. This leads to my next point…
2. Shidduchim are in Hashem’s Hands and no one else’s .You don’t need to ingratiate yourself to a shadchan or be scared of what they think of you. You need to do what is healthy and normal for you. A few years ago I read an article about how to make shadchanim want to work with you. The author went so far as to suggest that girls say yes to “a half-decent idea” (oof) in order to “buy” a shadchan’s attention. You really, really, really do not need to do that. You can definitely say yes to an idea that doesn’t particularly excite you, if you decide on your own to give it a chance — and not because of what the shadchan will think of you. Same for getting back to shadchanim “within 24-48 hours” with a yes or no to meeting someone. If you need more time than that, you can take it! Obviously it’s important to be considerate, so you can share updates on where you’re holding with research. Beyond that, though, you don’t owe anyone an instant answer. And the same is true for travel. Perhaps traveling to date is normal hishtadlus for you, but if it’s tax season or finals week or whatever and you can’t hop on a plane, you do not have to feel guilty about your limitations, no matter what a shadchan might be telling you.
3. Boundaries. A shadchan’s job is to try to connect two people with each other, and possibly with resources that can help them. It is not a shadchan’s job to tell you what you should be looking for, how to think or feel, or to pressure you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable (i.e. sending a picture). Shidduchim is a very emotionally vulnerable part of life which lends itself to blurred boundaries. If you feel stressed or overwhelmed after an interaction with a shadchan, they may have been crossing lines. Also, a shadchan should not be perpetuating the fears of girls in shidduchim. It’s inappropriate for a shadchan to make statements like, “He never gives yeses” or to otherwise put the guy on a pedestal and make you feel like he’s at an advantage. He is just as single as you are, and the shadchan should leave G-d’s job to G-d. Meanwhile…
4. Prepare a few specific points to share about yourself and about the person you are looking for. It might seem counter-intuitive to be very specific about who you are and what you need instead of presenting as super-open, but it actually helps people think of more on-target ideas. And as my mentor always says, “Don’t worry about being too specific because people will try to set you up with the only guy they know anyway.”
5. Evaluate where you are in life and whether it would be more productive for you to be in direct contact with the shadchan as opposed to involving your parents. Sometimes this reduces the stress of shidduchim at home. You can also involve a more objective third party, like a mentor or extended family member, who can help you do research and decide who to date.
I hope this is a helpful start. I’m sure people have their own experience so please share in the comments! Thank you!
