I had a thoughtful and interesting conversation with a friend on the subject of manifesting, and I’m curious to hear your thoughts.
The concept of manifestation has become really popular in the frum world in the past several years (I’m not quite sure when this began?). The idea is that by following a series of steps (usually a variation of setting intentions, removing limiting beliefs, visualizing, thinking positively, and taking some sort of action) one can bring down shefa or make a dream come true. Manifestation is often framed as a sort of secret key to unlocking the bracha that Hashem wants to give if we’d only know how to ask. On the flip side, according to this framework, negative thoughts create negative realities.
I don’t disagree with the activities associated with manifesting. I disagree with the philosophy and mindset of manifesting.
I think many of us go through a phase when we get excited about the possibility of manifesting our shidduch and totally get on board. We read the books or take the classes, go through the intention setting, change our beliefs etc. Then at some point we realize we’re taking too much on our own shoulders. We see that we’re trying to control events when so much depends on timing — our timing, other people’s timing — and soul needs that are deeper than our own understanding. We realize that maybe it would be more helpful to let go of control, accept what we are going through, and focus on our coping.
The concept of manifestation as I understand it makes me uncomfortable because it feels like an attempt to control what happens in life. It seems to me that it is about manipulating the universe (or attempting to) to give you what you want, and by the same token holding yourself responsible for your current reality.
Over the years it’s been helpful to me to vision, explore negative beliefs, work on creating the life I want to be living…etc., which all are kinds of exercises people do when they are trying to manifest something. The big shift for me is that I’ve mostly accepted that results are out of my realm, and therefore I can’t take credit or blame for what ultimately happens. Instead, these exercises are for the benefit of my mental health, to help me cope, thrive, and feel generally positive.
More fundamentally, I push back on the very premise that we make things happen. That’s way too much responsibility for a fallible human to take on. I think we are better off focusing on how to help ourselves thrive, evolve, and self-actualize through and with our challenges, rather than on making them end. The reason I say this is because I believe this is all we can do, and we suffer more when we take responsibility for G-d’s job.
My cousin took a popular manifesting workshop, and shared that as refreshing as the exercises were, the formula does not seem to work for shidduchim. She felt that after many months (and years) of practicing certain exercises, it had to be that there is more: a timing piece that is resistant to manipulation. That makes a lot of sense to me. Something so lofty and at the same time, fundamental, has to need more than just our actions to bring it into being.
I also want to speak to the concept of vulnerability: asking for what you want, and being open and receptive to receiving it. Vulnerability is not the be-all and end-all of personal development. It isn’t always safe, necessary, or productive. A little distance, a little buffer can sometimes be crucial for one’s coping. We have to be able to live in the world, and sometimes to do that we can’t rip ourselves open with yearning. It’s not an all-or-nothing issue, obviously (very little is), but I wanted to share this perspective because I think the conversation about vulnerability is often one-sided.
There are many things one might do to move towards goals and dreams — vision boarding, journaling, therapy, making new friends, moving… Some of these have helped me find doors where I could only see walls, and experiences like these have helped bring me closer, on some level, to where I want to be. But it feels like overstepping human bounds to try and explain the mysteries of life according to XYZ principles, as if everything is alchemy or magic.
We can take the good parts of the manifesting mindset (like intention-setting) and leave behind the high stakes, the heaviness of feeling like it’s up to you to make things happen, or that your thoughts are creating your reality. I think what I’m trying to say is — live well, do what you can, and let go.
