It’s Elul. If I could have looked into the future a year ago and seen what the coming year would bring, would it have been a relief? A disappointment? It’s impossible to know how I would have felt then with my limited understanding, but one thing I know for sure is that I am not the same woman who went into 5778. How about you?
I have been reflecting on what was helpful to know this year and I think the first key to change is to completely accept your starting point. No matter where you believe you’re supposed to be, even if you think this struggle should have stopped being a struggle for you 20 years ago. The yetzer hara wants to make us stall before we even start so he makes us feel shameful or overwhelmed by our struggles. Instead, you can put your feet on the ground where you are right now, and start your journey from right there.
Part of accepting the starting point is knowing that Hashem created each of us the way we are, with our traits and circumstances, with the struggles we each have, specifically to work on the things He gave us. Our job is not to change the materials we were given but to work with them. There is never a reason to loath any part of yourself or speak badly about yourself.
Everyone has a tikkun. Many of our struggles are related to early experiences that shaped how we see ourselves and the world and were beyond our control. They are from Hashem, what we can control is what we decide to do about it now.
The second key to change is believing you can change. It is completely possible for anyone to change at any age. Change means rewiring the brain. With repetition, your brain will form new connections. Neurons that fire together wire together.
Allow yourself to fully envision what change will look like. Try using the Perspectives exercise.
The third key is accepting that change is a process that is ongoing. We all come back around to the same issues over and over because that is our tikkun. Each time we circle back to the same issue, we approach it with more understanding, more subtlety, at a deeper level. It’s the shifts that only we can know about, the successes that are between us and Hashem. And over time, when you look back, you will be amazed.
The fourth key to change is having a plan. What is the challenge? What will I do about it? What are my goals?
And the fifth key is enlisting help and being generous with yourself. For example, chart your progress towards a goal and reward yourself with really good stuff when you do the target behaviors a certain number of times. I can tell you from experience, it really helps. Also, don’t hesitate to look to others who can be a help to you. Often, our struggles can be alleviated by addressing underlying issues; for example, if you get overwhelmed, you may actually be a candidate for occupational therapy (look into sensory processing disorders and reflex integration). Or maybe a dietician, a professional organizer, or a therapist can help you get to where you’re trying to go. Don’t begrudge yourself the help you need! What would you tell a friend?
You can also help yourself by giving yourself endorsements for each and every accomplishment. Things like, “I stayed calm when the cleaners couldn’t find my dress. Good for me!” (Remember to use “I” and remember to say “good for me.”) Endorsements are very effective because they help you understand how you made the shift to the way you want to be, and help you do the same thing again.
EMETT, by Dr. Miriam Adahan, is an amazing resource for learning and integrating the process of change and some of this is based on what I learned from her.
Did this resonate with you? I hope these keys can be a help in Elul and all year!
