I just reread this Elul post about making changes and growing. One of the unintentional benefits of having this blog is getting to track my own thought processes over time. Since I’ve been blogging a lot longer than I ever thought I would (six and a half years!), I also get to see evidence of growth, as what was revelatory becomes basic, or what was a struggle becomes second nature. I have journals too, but my blog posts tend to be more concentrated distillations of my ideas that I had during a given period, which makes them extra helpful for this purpose, not to mention that they are searchable. And as I reread and write about my past thoughts and observations, it’s a bit like the concentric circles of a tree trunk, marking growth over time.
I remember the summer I wrote the above-mentioned post. One of my best friends had gotten married that week, I had two DOA kind of dates that same week, and I started going to an OT for reflex integration/sensory processing-type work. This proved to be literally lifechanging. I was able to accomplish through bodywork what I had tried to accomplish top-down in therapy for a long time. Until I did that work that helped me to feel significantly calmer and freer, personal growth had felt like a struggle. I would set goals and learn and try, but I often hit the same struggles and was down on myself for not moving farther.
I can see in the above-mentioned post how I was trying to work through that. I wrote about the importance of accepting your starting point, believing change is possible, accepting that change is an ongoing process, having a plan, and enlisting help. These are great pointers and I stand by them. But they were so hard for me to believe and live by five years ago and they are easy today.
What a miracle.
What a miracle.
As I write this I feel small.
You know, recently I told a friend that I don’t really feel like working on anything. I told her I just feel happy and comfortable with where I am, and there’s nothing in particular, in terms of personal growth, that makes me feel fired up and goal-driven. She told me that maybe that is a good sign that I am at peace with myself. (I had told her I feel, however weakly, a bit guilty for becoming complacent – after all, don’t we always learn that if you’re not going up, you’re going down…) But as I read over this post from an Elul five years past, I recognize that all that work — it did something. I have changed. I have changed to a point where I am not consumed by the urgent need to change. For years of my life, I did not see how this could ever happen. But it did. I feel the tangible siyata d’Shmaya.
Though hard stuff happened this year, and I turned 31 and was single, and I had ups and downs and didn’t daven nearly as often as or with the presence I would have wanted — it was a sweet year. It was a year of letting go. A year of delight. A year of friendship. I am so grateful.
I took Rabbi Nivin’s Elul course a couple of times, and I remember him teaching that Elul is such an alive, dynamic time – the perfect time of year to think about the year ahead and set intentions and put an action plan into place. Though I had not thought recently (as mentioned above) about where to direct this kind of energy, I’ll be”H be brainstorming a list in my journal of what might enhance my coming year, spiritually, emotionally, relationally – holistically – and how I can continue to move towards a vision of myself that I am excited about. Then I’ll pick one or two to put into action for the coming year. And who knows what I’ll see when I look back in five years at this Elul.
