Someone in my family once sent me a long text about a guy I said no to, asking if I was “100% sure” I wasn’t interested, stating that “normal guys are very few and far between” and if I said no there was a “99% chance he would never say yes again.” Reading these things was obviously very triggering.
I told a friend that there should be an awards ceremony for people who come out of these conversations. It’s a battlefield.
Shidduchim is an area where there is a lot of unknown, and you live with that unknown and that ambiguity and that gray. And then somebody touches it, manhandles this place of deep fear and uncertainty. Of course it sends you spiraling into a darker place.
We are so trained to think that anyone older, or married, or who “has your best interests in mind” must have something valid to say about shidduchim. No, they really might not. Sorry.
No one is denying that shidduchim is hard. No one is denying that it’s scary. We are living this experience. We know it’s hard to get set up. We often wonder where are the guys — are there guys? We all have a big, scary fear lurking beneath the surface that nothing will work out.
And when someone steps in and touches this most sensitive, deep part of your private life, it is so inappropriate. Their willingness to verbalize your deepest fear does not make them an authority on your life. Certainly not on your future.
I think that if you are going to be okay in shidduchim, you need to leave these voices behind. Powerful as they are, you must choose not to engage with them or entertain them if you want to stay afloat. You don’t even have to counter them if you don’t have the energy. Let them say what they say. Then continue to do the right thing, to daven, to believe, and to keep moving forward.
