Wouldn’t you know, I almost never read magazines but this Shabbos I was visiting a friend and on her couch was a copy of Family First. I’m glad I picked it up because it had not one but two articles of interest to me.
First of all…did you read that article about therapeutic writing and Journal to the Self?? I’m tickled pink that it showed up in Family First and so many more people will benefit from the wonders of journaling (and those techniques!), but you read about it here first, okay? 😉
Then there was the Words Unspoken addressed to singles. Or rather, to specific singles this shadchan has dealt with, because everyone is different and the behemoth named “singles” does not exist. So I wrote back.
Dear Shadchan Who Focuses on Internals,
Thank you for doing your best to work on shidduchim and network on behalf of singles you know. It should be with hatzlacha and it is a big zechus for you and your family!
Personally (and parenthetically), it would have been nice to see an adjective other than “torturous” used to describe your years in shidduchim, as your word choice feeds into an already distorted picture of the nuanced and deeply spiritual experience of waiting for one’s zivug. No one enjoys the loneliness and fear that surface often throughout the years of this nisayon. But the experience is too often portrayed in negative black-and-white terms which are not truthful and erode the dignity of those undergoing it. You surely meant no offense, but this subtle yet ongoing issue in the frum media is a pet gripe of mine 🙂 .
A couple thoughts on the main point expressed in your letter:
1) Every person has their own set of needs/wants/idiosyncrasies. People may have questions that make no sense to you. No sense at all. They are not you and you are not them. And there you have it.
2) It truly must be difficult to witness what you believe to be self-sabotaging behavior on the part of people you would love to help. Remember that ultimately, people’s decisions are their business. And if anyone does need to mature/be enlightened/heal before they are open to going out with their zivug, it is Hashem’s business to point them in the right direction. You do yours and He’ll do His. If you can, please continue to work on shidduchim. You should be gebentched with a kesiva v’chasima tova!
Sincerely,
Someone Who Appreciates Your Desire to Help
