Is He Really Out There?

The #1 concern shared by my readers (and by me) is the question: how do I know my husband is really out there? How do I know I’ll find him? And what if I don’t?

 

You have probably discussed this with people over the years and been reminded that the bas kol proclaimed “bas ploni l’ploni” 40 days before conception, or that the Gemara says every person has multiple basherts. But then you may have also thought of the people you know who have been single for many years or who didn’t marry in their lifetimes, which can make “bas ploni l’ploni” feel less like a guarantee and more like a hopeful possibility.

 

I have thought about how to explore this topic for a while because a) I am also single and my vantage point on this issue is the same as my readers’ and b) not being G-d or even a prophet, I am not qualified to make bold statements or guarantees. At the same time, I believe with my entire being that each and every one of you has a soulmate in this world who you will meet and marry.

 

How do we find peace with these questions in a way that truly allows us to move forward with calm and confidence?

 

While no one can guarantee that you’ll meet your soulmate because no one is G-d, the possibility of meeting him is as high for you as it was for anyone who has ever gotten married. Read that sentence again! Human nature is to focus on the possibility of a negative outcome and to give it outsized attention, to apply emotional reasoning and fortunetelling as proof that things won’t work out the way you want them to. I know it is extremely difficult not to see your history of disappointment or rejection as evidence of your future, but it isn’t. It just isn’t. Do whatever it takes to help yourself commit to the belief that you will get happily married to a great guy for you. Interview married people about how they met. Write letters to your husband. Visualize yourself in a happy, loving marriage, in color and detail, for five minutes twice a day.

 

Belief takes practice. When you believe that your zivug is real and truly exists, every setback and disappointment along the road can be framed as an obstacle or a test that teaches you something new about yourself in service of your relationship with Hashem and your future husband. Of course there will be days or weeks when your belief slips and despondency sets in. That cannot be avoided. But you will get through those rough patches and back on track. Optimism is self-reinforcing and becomes easier and easier to return to the more it’s practiced.

 

So those are my thoughts. Is your zivug out there? Yes. Will you meet and marry him? You have every reason to believe that you will, and living life in consonance with that belief is your best bet for a healthy, happy sojourn in shidduchim.